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I am 95lbs soaking wet and I got a dog because I need a reason to get out of bed, because I'm sick. Now the dog that I got she's about 45lbs and deaf as a doorknob, and that's fine. I've been teaching her sign language, but for some reason she decided that she wants to stand on top of me with her front feet when I'm having an episode or just sick and lying down. now I have giant bruises all over me, how do I get her to stop? I've tried shoving (gently) her off signing to her 'no' and 'bad' and she's just not getting it, but she knows those signs any other time. if she doesn't stop I cannot keep her cuz she is hurting me on a daily basis and I don't know what to do. I understand but she's probably trying to protect me because I'm sick but she's just making it worse. 馃馃ズ馃槩
 

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It's sometimes a behavior to get attention, or it could be that she is concerned and wants to be close to you. She likely does not understand that standing on you his hurting you. Dogs don't understand how fragile humans are!

Whatever her reason, you should train an alternative behavior that is incompatible with standing on you. For example, instead of standing on you, train her to lay at your feet, or if you're laying on the couch or bed, train her to lay on the floor beside you.

Use small treats to lure her into position. You might want to start this training by pretending to be sick or having an episode, because I"m sure the last thing you want to be doing while you are feeling unwell is training a dog to not stand on you. When your dog sees the specific behaviors that indicates you are unwell, she will default to her training.

You may consider contacting a positive reinforcement trainer, perhaps one that is familiar with therapy dog training or training dogs to help with medical issues, to help you figure out how to train your dog to react appropriately when you are feeling ill.
 

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I'm sorry that I don't have a good suggestion, but with a hearing dog, sometimes you can yelp and say ouch! and the dog begins to get the message that you don't like a behavior. If there a unique action that you can do, like a tap on the ear, clapping your hands in front of her nose [I know she can't hear it, but can see the unique gesture], then look away to indicate "Please don't do that!"

There is a collar that buzzes (no shock!!!) that is used to help 'train' deaf dogs to look at the owner, or even to come, when the dog is not looking at the owner. Something like that may help with training or re-directing?
 

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The best dog I ever had was a 116-pound black lab who would sit on anyone who found himself on the ground, but only if it was someone he was particularly fond of - like me.

I was walking him on some glare ice. I got about 20 feet from my door when my feet flew out from beneath me and I landed hard on my back. My dog was walking a few feet ahead of me (unleashed because he was A Very Good Boy) and he trotted back toward me. I thought, "Oh, good, he's going to check on me and then go get help."

I thought that right up until he sat on my chest.

He sat on me many times over the years and sat on a select few special friends if they happened to stumble in his presence.

That doesn't help you one bit, but it probably means your dog is very fond if you.
 

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There is a collar that buzzes (no shock!!!) that is used to help 'train' deaf dogs to look at the owner, or even to come, when the dog is not looking at the owner. Something like that may help with training or re-directing?
The collar for deaf dogs should be one that vibrates, not buzzes.
 
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