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Ok, truth be told, getting a puppy was a short-notice decision. We had been looking for an adult dog. An adult lab no less. But when we stumbled upon these puppies, we decided to "just do it." And I knew I was ready because I'd been thinking about it for a long time. An adult dog would (most likely) be a lot less work, but now is the time for a puppy...not later when I want kids.

That being said, it was a mutual decision. I'd been told repeatedly that my boyfriend is great with his dogs. He takes great care of them. But tonight I am frustrated and...idk..hurt? For the 3rd night in a row, I've wound up alone in the living room w/ the puppy. My boyfriend gets to go to bed early. He has paid for literally nothing, which, ok, he doesn't have any money right now and I do...but seriously, I've dropped a grand on this puppy already and he hasn't even bought kibble. He gets all exasperated when I ask him to do anything, and it makes me feel guilty.

Puppies are a lot of work! A lot a lot of work! I need his help...and I'm upset. When is it my turn to have a night alone in the bedroom while he watches Brady? When is he going to show some initiative and get involved in his training? Why has this all fallen on me?? I can't say I'm surprised...I've always done practically everything around here. But I'm really upset. I can't get married and have kids with a guy who can't...no, I should say won't...even take care of a puppy.
 

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Ah yes.. somehow Brady has become YOUR dog has he not? I have been thru similar.

Now think ahead.. do you REALLY believe this BF will be the same or different with KIDS? Yeah.. guys like the IDEA but IME not the work.

Whatever you do, do NOT take it out on the puppy. I would suggest a sit down with BF when you do not feel resentful. I also would not expect a lot of changes here.

When does he interact with Brady? And when does he do other things 'around the house' to support you? Really think on this.. as I suspect this may just be a symptom of a larger issue.
 

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Oh yes.. and one more thing.. guilt is self inflicted. Do NOT feel guilty. If you ask and he will not ante up that is NOT your guilt. It is his inability to be a grown up.
 

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First, give him the benefit of the doubt. He may not truly understand how much work you are doing, especially if you have been just doing it without complaint or explanation up to this point. My husband and I had a little hiccup after Squash came home (at 11 weeks old) because I made some pretty big assumptions about how well he understood how different having a puppy that young is from the older puppies we've gotten in the past (6-9 months). When we talked about it because I was feeling just like you are feeling now, I realized he really needed stuff spelled out for him in regards to stuff like exactly what "watching" the puppy entails, how often to take him outside whether he's acting like he needs to go or not, etc. Stuff that seemed obvious to me but not to him. Fortunately for me hubby is a great guy and he really stepped up once he had a better understanding of what I needed from him. :)

The moral of the story: Anyone can be clueless. But if you talk about it and things don't change then I'd be concerned that he's being willfully ignorant and/or doesn't mind you doing the majority of the work.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
Whatever you do, do NOT take it out on the puppy. I would suggest a sit down with BF when you do not feel resentful. I also would not expect a lot of changes here.

When does he interact with Brady? And when does he do other things 'around the house' to support you? Really think on this.. as I suspect this may just be a symptom of a larger issue.
I definitely don't take it out on Brady. It's not his fault at all.

He interacts with Brady mostly when I'm not here. Maybe I'm not allowing him to interact... but his first words when I came in the door were "what do you need me to do before I go pass out?" I wanted to scream.

He has gotten better over time about doing things around the house, so I'll give him that. I guess I have to wait and see if it improves. Maybe, as others said, start just asking him to do stuff and ignoring his response. If it gets done, it gets done. Whether he rolls his eyes while doing it or not.

First, give him the benefit of the doubt. He may not truly understand how much work you are doing, especially if you have been just doing it without complaint or explanation up to this point. My husband and I had a little hiccup after Squash came home (at 11 weeks old) because I made some pretty big assumptions about how well he understood how different having a puppy that young is from the older puppies we've gotten in the past (6-9 months). When we talked about it because I was feeling just like you are feeling now, I realized he really needed stuff spelled out for him in regards to stuff like exactly what "watching" the puppy entails, how often to take him outside whether he's acting like he needs to go or not, etc. Stuff that seemed obvious to me but not to him. Fortunately for me hubby is a great guy and he really stepped up once he had a better understanding of what I needed from him. :)

The moral of the story: Anyone can be clueless. But if you talk about it and things don't change then I'd be concerned that he's being willfully ignorant and/or doesn't mind you doing the majority of the work.
That sounds about right. He did come out tonight and say he was worried about me and wanted to check if I was ok. He acknowledged that I've been doing a lot of work, so there is that. Maybe he truly is ill (it's hard to tell w/ him. he gets very baby-ish when feeling even a little sick lol). This is still a new situation. Are these types of emotions ...uhm... normal? For when you bring a new puppy home?

I have talked to him constantly about specifics, but I feel he is percieving it as my just trying to control everything. And maybe that is what I'm trying to do.
:\

It's all falling on you because you are allowing it to...Tell him you expect his help & put your foot down!
hmm...

"I'm going to the store. Please watch the dog. *walks out*"

Truth be told, he's watched the dog before and it's turned out perfectly fine. Maybe I'm the one who is trying to do everything and keep him from doing stuff b/c I'm afraid he'll "do it wrong."

Argh. What a night.
 

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Uh, say this to your boyfriend, not us. And when you say it was a mutual decision, what was? Getting the puppy? Or splitting costs and all ownership duties? These are things you talk about before just "going for it" when it comes to a pet.
 

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just TELL him why your frustrated, I have learned after 20 years my husband still can't read my mind or has a clue why I'm frustrated. After years, you learn it's easier to just tell it like it is, then the light build comes on and all is well !
 

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Are these types of emotions ...uhm... normal? For when you bring a new puppy home?
Well, you feel what you feel. I personally felt pretty overwhelmed until we got the new routine down. A puppy is a lot of work!

Truth be told, he's watched the dog before and it's turned out perfectly fine. Maybe I'm the one who is trying to do everything and keep him from doing stuff b/c I'm afraid he'll "do it wrong."
This is certainly a possibility. You two need to talk about it. :)
 

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Getting two dogs was my decision, and I knew going into it that hubby wouldn't lift a finger to help, nor pay for anything. That was our agreement, because I wanted dogs and he didn't.

And yes, a puppy is a lot of work. It can be overwhelming the first few weeks, I felt the same way. But then the puppy starts to learn things and you work out a routine that works for you both, and then suddenly you realise he's getting big and you never appreciated the first few weeks as much as you should have:)

I realise it's different when you both agreed to take care of him, and then one of you end up not bothering. I knew from the start that hubby wouldn't bother. But my point is, you don't NEED his help. It would be nice, but you can do it on your own too.

For me, the crate has been a lifesaver. I put him away twice a day so he can nap and I can have a break, and he's also in the crate at night, so I can do stuff on the computer for an hour before going to bed, and in the morning I can have a shower before having to deal with him.
 

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we had decided to get an older dog, one that needed a home but when we got to the rescue hubby fell in love with the puppies and their mum. (as it happened there were no older dogs at that time that were any good with cats and we have 3) he went on and on about how great a puppy would be, so we discussed it loads.
now hubby is notoriously lazy around the house, hes a brilliant man but just a man! so i said that if we got a pup then we would share the responsibility and of course he agreed. second day home for branston, he had wee'd in the hallway and i was about to get in the shower so i called down 'can you clear that up' his response was 'yeh in a minute' so i came down, cleared up the mess and told him in no uncertain terms that if this was how it was gonna be then the pup goes back. well he of course stepped up to the mark then and has been brilliant. there are the occasional times when he doesnt want to get up in the morning with me to let branston out wash floors etc, or he'll take branston out to potty and not pick up his poop but i just remind him that this is a joint effort. i couldnt slip as hubby would then just assume that i would do things and that he didnt have to!
 

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And yes, a puppy is a lot of work. It can be overwhelming the first few weeks, I felt the same way. But then the puppy starts to learn things and you work out a routine that works for you both, and then suddenly you realise he's getting big and you never appreciated the first few weeks as much as you should have:)
This is my hope. It has only been 3 days; the routine is not established completely yet. And I totally understand that "never appreciated the first few weeks" sentiment LOL. I totally know that's how I'm going to feel later. :)

I realise it's different when you both agreed to take care of him, and then one of you end up not bothering. I knew from the start that hubby wouldn't bother. But my point is, you don't NEED his help. It would be nice, but you can do it on your own too.

For me, the crate has been a lifesaver. I put him away twice a day so he can nap and I can have a break, and he's also in the crate at night, so I can do stuff on the computer for an hour before going to bed, and in the morning I can have a shower before having to deal with him.
Truth be told, he's not doing "nothing." And I knew full well when we got the puppy that he did not have the money to help out financially. I am only stresesd about the financial bit because we're moving in a month and I need to make sure I can cover my half of the move.

I just found out he actually took the puppy out twice last night, so that is pretty big. I didn't have to get up at all.

I think I agree w/ the person who told me to calm down LOL. This is new to him, too, and he needs time (just like I do) to adapt to the new routine.
 

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I guess, having been around for awhile, that I just have zero patience anymore for men who do not step up and help.. ESPECIALLY underemployed men. I don't mean JUST the puppy.. I mean everything. Where is it written that women have to do it all?

I was probably harsh in my assesment.. it is just I had a Father who thought his duties stopped when he got home at night other than the yard.. and a Husband who thought I was to not only run the farm and milk the cows and fix and operate the machinery but mke the meals, clean the house, do the laundry and pick up after him because his duties ended at the bottom of the drive way (he did not even cut the grass and when the house needed painting you are talking to the painter). Then there was the underemployed BF who cooked and did not clean up and left a mess in his wake...

Ultimately my patience with the male half of the species has run totally thin. When any of these guys wanted something they would get it and when it became work and they got bored it became mine.. and I thank my STARS I had no kids with the husband or the BF. They would have left the work to me.

A puppy is a lot of work. I got a puppy in 2007 (and I live alone) and another puppy in July of this year and I still live alone (that is, w/o another human here). I have to say both puppies were a LOT less work than any of the men I have ahd around!

Anyway, that is the experience my post came from. Did not mean it to be offensive. I have just become impatient with men and cut them no slack when it comes to the work of anything.
 

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And yes, a puppy is a lot of work. It can be overwhelming the first few weeks, I felt the same way. But then the puppy starts to learn things and you work out a routine that works for you both, and then suddenly you realise he's getting big and you never appreciated the first few weeks as much as you should have:)
Yes, I feel exactly the same way.
 

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Ok, truth be told, getting a puppy was a short-notice decision. We had been looking for an adult dog. An adult lab no less. But when we stumbled upon these puppies, we decided to "just do it." And I knew I was ready because I'd been thinking about it for a long time. An adult dog would (most likely) be a lot less work, but now is the time for a puppy...not later when I want kids.

That being said, it was a mutual decision. I'd been told repeatedly that my boyfriend is great with his dogs. He takes great care of them. But tonight I am frustrated and...idk..hurt? For the 3rd night in a row, I've wound up alone in the living room w/ the puppy. My boyfriend gets to go to bed early. He has paid for literally nothing, which, ok, he doesn't have any money right now and I do...but seriously, I've dropped a grand on this puppy already and he hasn't even bought kibble. He gets all exasperated when I ask him to do anything, and it makes me feel guilty.

Puppies are a lot of work! A lot a lot of work! I need his help...and I'm upset. When is it my turn to have a night alone in the bedroom while he watches Brady? When is he going to show some initiative and get involved in his training? Why has this all fallen on me?? I can't say I'm surprised...I've always done practically everything around here. But I'm really upset. I can't get married and have kids with a guy who can't...no, I should say won't...even take care of a puppy.
Have you sat down with him and told him how you feel about it? When you don't talk and bottle things up, you are probably sending out really negative vibes which may be more what he is avoiding than the puppy. That said, if you do talk to him about it and nothing changes, just count your blessings that he is only a boy friend and not something more permanent. It's probably a good indication of how things will go when you have a baby.
 

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One thing we did that might help is to make a detailed schedule that you both can follow every day. That will make expectations/needs for the puppy clear to you both. It worked brilliantly in our house once DH got used to it. We both had it memorized within a few days and would ask each other if the 6:00 this or the 11:00 that had been done yet. Would also highlight how much work a puppy is for your BF. He sounds like he sort of is getting it and wants to help on some level. He just may not be aware of all that needs to happen. Having a schedule also helped us schedule the things we needed to get done that seem to fly out the window when a pup walks in the door, e.g. how do you 100% supervise a puppy and get the laundry done or clean the bathroom? It helped to find chunks of time in the puppy schedule to get this stuff done.

Ex:

6:00 wake puppy, outside to potty & poo; feed, water, back outside to pee/poo
6:30 play with puppy, short training sessions
7:00 puppy naps in crate while you get ready for day
7:30 outside to pee/poo, crate for morning while you work
11:30 outside to potty & poo; feed, water, back outside to pee/poo
12:00 play with puppy, short training sessions
1:00 back in crate while you go back to your day
5:00 outside to potty & poo; feed, water, back outside to pee/poo
etc.
 

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All this advice on talking to the B/F - seems to me if he was a bright and intelligent individual, he should know all these things automatically. Why is it a 23 year old female knows what is needed but the B/F doesn't? I'm sure he does and is just not stepping up to the plate as it seems this route is easier and "she" will take care of it. However, that being said, I do think she needs to voice her feelings - if for no other reason that to get it off her chest. Problem is, once the chat is over, she is going to have expectations and there is the distinct possibility that he will refuse to take partial ownership ....ultimately this leads to the next step in the relationship. Hope you have the wherewithall to see this through. There is the possibility that he doesn't step up - then what do you do? Hummm...you will need to discuss all these and more with him and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed (and paws too) in the hopes that all this will work out for all three of you.
 

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Why would you think anyone would automatically know anything about raising a puppy or a child or hot-wiring a car? Most behaviors are learned. It's a short road to frustration to spend your life thinking that other people automatically know what's in your head or what should be done in a specific situation. JMO.
 

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just TELL him why your frustrated, I have learned after 20 years my husband still can't read my mind or has a clue why I'm frustrated. After years, you learn it's easier to just tell it like it is, then the light build comes on and all is well !
I could have written this myself! Yes, after 20 years together, I've learned that men (at least, my man) do not read our subtle little cues or read between the lines. They're very literal. Tell him exactly what you need him to do. Maybe even write it down. Once, I was so mad at Glenn; I stomped around the house for two days, not talking to him. I finally yelled 'When are you going to apologize?!' He said 'Huh?' He had no idea we were having a fight :)
 

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I truly really understand and it's very frustrating for me as well...

I was a single mom when I met my hubby. He is the only dad my daughter has only had and she was 1.5 when he came into our lives, so the parenting thing never kicked in right for him when it comes to diapers and baths. He just likes playing cause I get her legos and she has cooler toys than him. Lol. Now I am pregnant again...and turned into a stay at home mom while he works.
I do EVERYTHING...minus taking out the trash and the litter box. It is really frustrating. He works 40-50 hours a week but I still expect him to come home and let me shower alone or do something, but he is really horrible about it and says I am so tired and I don't wanna do anything tonight. After many arguements I just gave up...it wasn't worth loosing him.

So when we got Kodi...the agreement was less gaming and sell your car (I hateand it and we cannot afford payments, and he's blown 2 trannys and an engine in 1.5 years.) Somehow I still end up getting up early and taking him for a walk and feeding him morning and night. But you know what...perfectly fine with me cause he perfers being around me and he is getting super clingy to ME and listens best to ME. Figure if I gotta put up with him all day and 2 kids, he's better off respecting me more anyhow lol

And what was said before that YOU let it happen...is very true. But you just have to pick your battles.
 
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