[amy9]

Hi Everyone. I am new to the site and just in need of some dog-lover support. This isn't a happy intro to myself. Yesterday I had to let my best friend, Kirk, go. He was a 13 year old border collie. I am completely lost and heartbroken. He was an old working dog that I rescued 11 years ago. He saw me through marriage, kids, moves, illness... I don't even know what to do without him, nothing feels right. Kirk loved his job, geese police, at one time, but it destroyed his body. The past few years he was crippled with arthritis and bad joints. It had gotten to the point of him being in constant pain.
I was with him when he passed, holding him, talking to him. I am not sure what I am looking for here, but I can't find any solace anywhere.

 

[Nuclear_Glitter]

Welcome to the forum.

My condolences to you. I am sorry you had to let your friend go, but just try and keep in mind that you gave him a good life.

Moving on won't be easy, and you will never forget him, but you're a strong person and you can do it.

This is a very helpful place, with many kind people and when you're ready for a new friend everyone will be here to help you with anything that you need.

Once again, I am sorry that your friend had to go.

 

[Abbylynn]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I lost the best dog I ever had in 50 years ... 4 months ago ... and he was only 5. It is so very difficult ... I understand. I also am still having issues with Leeo's loss.

I do not believe we actually ever really get over our loss(es) ... we just learn to go forward and cope with them. Our companions ask so little of us and give so much back in return.

I am sure Kirk knew he was loved ... It sounds like he had a wonderful life ... and our companions really never leave us ... they are always there in our hearts.

Kirk is no longer in pain ... but running free and happy like the wind! I believe this. I also firmly believe our companions will meet us some day at The Rainbow Bridge when it is our turn to go there.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Kirk.

 

[amy9]

Thank you for your kind words. (This is also to Nuclear_Glitter). It is comforting to know others have been where I am now. I am really no better. I have to put on a brave face for my kids, but I am so empty inside. I know everyone says it will get easier, but I haven't felt this terrible feeling leave for a minute. I keep doubting myself and wondering if he hates me. At the same time, I keep expecting to see him when I enter a room, then it is like a freight train plows into me.
I am sorry to be so depressing on this board where others are talking of happy things and new puppies. (It does give me hope that someday I'll meet a new friend). I just stumbled in here the other night and it felt like a group of people who care and can understand.

 

[Abbylynn]

amy9 ....

After the wonderful members of this forum helped me emotionally through the initial death of my Leeo ... I rescued another dog in need. I felt that Leeo would want me to not grieve. He only wanted me to be happy. I rescued two dogs in fact. The first one I rescued ... Lucy ... was very DA ... not wanting her to be anxiety ridden and crated and rotated for the rest of her life was my main concern. She is an older dog. Lucy now resides as my one young Nieces faithful companion.

I then rescued Eddee one month to the day of Leeo's passing. Eddee has helped me keep my mind extremely busy with his never ending antics. He will never take the place of Leeo .... but I find that there is still room in my heart to love another ... just in a different way. I think Leeo would be proud!

I do however miss Leeo terribly ... and still have my tearful moments ... and I am using some of Leeo's dishes and some toys and things ... this still makes me sad from time to time. But I believe Leeo would want me to share ... as he was such a loving and loyal and giving soul.

There may be another pup/dog in your future just waiting for you and to be loved ... one who really needs you as much as you need him/her ... when you feel ready.

Feel free to talk all you need to ... it really does help.

 

[mythicbubbles]

My sincere condolences to you also Amy9.

Just a few short weeks ago I helped my 15 year old Skye to her final rest. It was absolutely one of hardest things I have done in life. Please don't apologize for your honest grief or hesistate to reach out to others who 'get it'.

Take gentle care

 

[mcdavis]

My condolences to you Amy9 and also Mythicbubbles.

Amy9 it sounds like you gave Kirk a wonderful life and did everything you possibly could for him - I am sure that he doesn't hate you. What you are feeling is totally normal - it sounds so cliched but it will ease in time and you will remember all of the good times you had together.
I grew up with a poodle who passed away when he was 18 and I was 21 (many, many years ago!) and I still think about him often.

 

[JessCowgirl88]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

What everyone has said is so true. I had to put my dog duke at a young age due to cancer, he was the first dog I had ever had picked out as a puppy. It killed me inside because that was my best friend, companion, rock to cry on, ears to listen to my problem, tear licker and the like. I kicked myself every day for a year after I had put him down. Depression was the worse.

Finally I realized, on the outside it looked horrible, putting my best friend down. Then i thought to myself, would I have been a better person if I didn't? Him never gaining weight, loosing it when he ate, loosing his fur, pain just not himself anymore. I would have felt worse to put him through that so I would not have to go on without him. So now I keep a picture of me and him above my computer. From time to time i break down and cry because I think of him, but i remember how much i loved him, and he loved me and I gave him the best life in the time we had. I also have a picture of him in my wallet, I feel it is like having him with me all the time, besides being in my heart, if i want to see him I just open it up if im out and about.

It is hard to get over and we do never forget them. We move on and keep them within our hearts till our time comes and I truly believe, our friends will be waiting, all that we had lived with and loved through out our own life. I believe that is just how loyal they are.

I am sure your boy is happy you did this for him, that you had the heart to help him cross because of his pain, and gave him the relief of it. I am sure he is watching over you from above and thanking you for it. To give him the freedom of being painless. I am sure he will always be grateful and what I think makes him more happier, is being there for him when it happened. It shows you loved him so much you had to be there to comfort him.

Some heal and cope faster then others, and some find comfort in rescuing a needy soul some what soon after. But I am sure when they time comes and you do find another puppy/dog who steals your heart and needs to be saved, Kirik will be "cheering you on in the doggy way" for saving another soul to love and cherish just like you did his.

It is good to talk about it, get it out. I feel it does help so much and there are so much wonderful people here who will listen, and know the pain.

 

[amy9]

Wow, I never expected such kind, heartfelt responses. I really found the right place. Thank you so much. It really does help knowing I am not crazy and there are others who understand. I had to get out of my house today. I took the kids and we left for the afternoon. It was a good distraction. When I got home, I walked in the door and reached to pet and greet Kirk. Then, while i was doing dishes, I glanced over at the kitchen threshold out of the corner of my eye and thought he was laying there like always. It was a Tonka truck, obviously not him. When does this stop happening? If I forget for one minute, something brings me back so fast and hard. I know it must be almost like a habit, but how long until this stops? It is terrible, like a slap in the face every time.

 

[kitley2001]

Most of us here have had to put a dog down. We are all "dog crazy" people, and totally understand. You did the hardest thing, but you did not take the easy route. It takes a lot of courage to make that decision...it shows how strong your love for Kirk is. I put my Motley down about 5 years ago. Up until we got our new dog, 2 years ago...I would still see or hear Motley once in a while. But, it actually became comforting...it made me feel closer to him. Kirk is up there somewhere, running free of pain, and he does not hate you. Dogs are too loving and forgiving for that. He knows how hard that decision was for you...and he respects you for making it...just as he has likely always respected you, and been proud to say he was your dog. Hugs to you and your family. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Pawzk9]

Wow, I never expected such kind, heartfelt responses. I really found the right place. Thank you so much. It really does help knowing I am not crazy and there are others who understand. I had to get out of my house today. I took the kids and we left for the afternoon. It was a good distraction. When I got home, I walked in the door and reached to pet and greet Kirk. Then, while i was doing dishes, I glanced over at the kitchen threshold out of the corner of my eye and thought he was laying there like always. It was a Tonka truck, obviously not him. When does this stop happening? If I forget for one minute, something brings me back so fast and hard. I know it must be almost like a habit, but how long until this stops? It is terrible, like a slap in the face every time.

I think sometimes dogs do hang around for a while. When I had to put my 15 year old Emma down, as soon as I got on the computer to share my sadness with friends, I felt warm, moist breath on my knee (an Emma trick) though I didn't see a dog. I've seen others out of the corner of my eye shortly after their passing. My husband woke up crying one day because Cinco (Emma's father) visited him early one morning and washed his face. You'll always miss him. But in time, the memories of the good times will take over the memories of the sad final time. And I think those happy times are how our dogs want to be remembered.

 

[Abbylynn]

Wow, I never expected such kind, heartfelt responses. I really found the right place. Thank you so much. It really does help knowing I am not crazy and there are others who understand. I had to get out of my house today. I took the kids and we left for the afternoon. It was a good distraction. When I got home, I walked in the door and reached to pet and greet Kirk. Then, while i was doing dishes, I glanced over at the kitchen threshold out of the corner of my eye and thought he was laying there like always. It was a Tonka truck, obviously not him. When does this stop happening? If I forget for one minute, something brings me back so fast and hard. I know it must be almost like a habit, but how long until this stops? It is terrible, like a slap in the face every time.

In somewhat of answer to your question about how long it takes to quit seeing our departed loved ones .... I still find myself seeing Leeo. I am being 100% honest here. I swear I saw Eddee run into the bedroom very quickly out of the corner of my eye two days ago .... but when I looked ... he was in another room with the other dogs? This is not the first time this has happened to me. I immediately thought it was the spirit of Leeo ... the first thing that came to my mind. (And I am a very sane human being. )

I firmly believe we subconsciously look for them and our mind allows this ... because we miss them so much. We have a need to see them. I do not know how long it goes on. I wish I had the answer. I just believe we wish so so much that they were still here ... it is hard to accept that they are not ... if this makes any sense?

I know we also think of them in the many things we do throughout the day ... simple things we take for granted ... For me ... it is washing a dog bowl ... or just cooking a certain thing that may have been something I gave as a treat ... to just getting ready for bed at the end of the day ... that "Goodnight Eepie Dooble" ... the empty spot in the bed ... such simple every day things we often take for granted ... now seem so empty.

Every time something slaps me hard in the face ... and it does! ... I try and think of something positive ... what would Leeo want me to do? ..... and I try and convert it into something pleasant ... a good memory ... because I know that Leeo would not want me to be sad. His call in life was to make me smile ... and he did.

I am sure Kirk feels the same way about the ones he loves .....

EDIT: I forgot to add ... I do believe in spirits! I have also felt a wet nose touch the back of my leg as I sat at this computer ... and no other dog was anywhere near.