Is it me? Or the illness?

Hello everyone,

I’m new here so I am begging you to be kind as I’m in a pretty bad place.

I am not yet 2 weeks in on welcoming a puppy into my home, and I’ll just say we’ve had a very rough go. In the very first week I had to rush him to a vet hospital where he was diagnosed with 3 separate infections (with the possibility of a congenital disorder if the symptoms don’t improve with antibiotics) and to say that I’m overwhelmed would be an understatement.

I did so much research trying to find a breed suitable to my lifestyle. Organized my work schedule so he would be alone only alone 4 hours at a time (plus I will be leaving my job in 2 months so we have more time then). Set up the perfect puppy palace with supplies. And was so so excited to bring him home. I had been planning for 2 years.

However on top of typicical puppy growing pains (which I expected), the 3+ vet visits, strict and intensive medication regimen, and horrible heartbreaking symptoms, has diminished any excitement I had into exhaustion and fits of tears.

He is a little lover and honestly the best little boy, but everyday I am fighting the impulse to give him back to the breeder (they have been extraordinarily supportive through this whole ordeal, and feel terrible about what we’ve been through). I am plagued with self doubt that I cannot adequately care for him. I am wondering if this is because I cannot handle a puppy? Or if it’s because I’ve been dealt a pretty difficult hand with his illness.

The cost has been significant, but I really have tried not to let it get to me as I wouldn’t bat an eye at spending this much if he were an older and already established member in my family. But at only 2 weeks, I’d be lying if I said there weren’t any sticker shock. (Honestly I would prefer not to have comments on the cost because it isn’t the underlying issue and I am happy to pay for these bills if it is a temporary problem...)

But I am spending so much time looking after him that my own self care has deteriorated (not that that means much when he really should be the priority while he’s still sick)... but my lack of sleep from waking up every few hours to medicate/soothe him and overall lack of appetite has affected my ability to bond with him. Something that I am so ashamed to admit.

I am plagued with these questions:

What if I give him back to the breeder, his infections turn out to be temporary, and I loose the opportunity at a wonderful best friend?

Or, what if this infection is just delaying the inevitable, that I just cannot handle a puppy in general, am more suitable for an adult rescue, and that I am just making it harder on both of us by being resistant to give him back?

Please please any advice is welcome... I am crying as I write this with him finally asleep on my lap. I feel like I am falling apart...