[KUBA]

I haven't been on here in 5 years (2 posts, new member no replies) so I gave up sort of...

However that's not overly important.
My dog is literally all I have in terms of family and my problem now is that she's aged, approximately 13 years and a few months maybe.
I had 2 others, once when I was younger and in my teens to early 20's, but Cindy is MY ONE true dog.


Now that our walks are shorter, she has a few conditions going on sadly (thyroid, cushings, spondylosis) it's absolutely killing me inside.
Every single time I have to give her, her pills, it's just a constant reminder of how things badly have gotten.

On a personal note, I have depression and this dog from day one has changed my life for the better, but the aging process is just slowing killing me inside.

To some of you, I may some weak or whatever, but she really is all I have.
While I have friends, I don't have "family" as to the definition of a "nuclear one".

I have friends sure, but Cindy has been someone that literally went wherever I went - I worked for myself and have been grateful to have customers to allow me to bring her along to their homes - hope you can understand the degree to how much this dog was attached to the hip with me.

Our daily walks were long and now they've been drastically cut back.
I remember asking myself when they gave me a room to spend time with her (at the Humane Society), "in 10-15 years, do I want to go through losing you?"...

...so of course I adopted her, I just couldn't say no.


It absolutely kills me to think of "THAT DAY" when the time comes.

She's a very sweet timid dog, part of it because of the home she was in - father heavy drinker, verbally abusive, very confrontational... of course, in turn I had anger and she fed off of that.


I have this huge guilt just hanging over me now, eating away at me.
The good times and the ESPECIALLY the bad and I want to focus on the good.

She still wants to follow me everywhere I go to this day and part of me is wanting to push her away because (in my eyes) I feel like I'm going to lose her, so why not start the process now....
....it may seem twisted to the majority of you, but it's how I'm dealing with it.

I'm not sure what to do, because I'm incessantly thinking about how things will be without her.

I know I shouldn't, but I do.
I know I should enjoy the time I have with her now and I really do try to, but the skies aren't as blue as they used to be on our walks, nor is the grass as green.


A lady I walk with (and her Maltese Terrier) lost her husband a month ago (he was 79) and it was the first time I've been to a funeral in 20 years. It really hit me then.
She has a SUPERB family support system 4 adult children who love her dearly and care for her.


I'm just a complete stranger on a dog forum, reaching out to others for advice, help, suggestions, experiences, whatever.



It's just crushing me inside and I feel after losing my dog, I would be absolutely lost and feel like there is nothing left.

If anyone has any snide remarks or "get some balls" type comments, I'd really rather you don't.

 

[Hambonez]

It is so hard to lose a pet even under the best of circumstances (pet lived exceptionally long good life, strong support system at home, etc...), so I can imagine your fear of what will happen when you lose Cindy. I think now would be a good time to focus on building your support system and more connections in the community so you have places to turn, not only should Cindy's last day come, but should anything else bad happen in your life from which support would be beneficial. If you feel connected to animals, then maybe volunteering with a shelter or rescue would give you another purpose. Pet's are wonderful, and better than most people imo, but with anything in life, you can't put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. Absolutely devote the rest of Cindy's life to keeping her happy and comfortable and spoiled and enjoy every day you have with her, but do start finding other reasons to live as well. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more. Good luck with your pup.

 

[Abbylynn]

First ... about myself ... I am two months away from being 57 years old and have had many dogs in my lifetime.

I just lost my one and only heart dog two months ago. I had many of the same feelings as you. I can reach out to you and know what you are feeling. I just lost my Mother two years ago after being her caregiver for 10 years. Leeo was my only link to her as she bought him for me ... and he was my rock ... he was there for me through all these trying times. I got him when he was 12 weeks old. He was my everything ... even though he was not a human.

Often times after my Mother passed I would sit and wonder what it would be like when his time came. Never did I realize just how soon it was going to be. I really thought he would be with me for at least another 10 years.

I had to make that horrid decision of having him go to the bridge. He had pancreatic neucrosis ... his pancreas was eating itself, he had a stomach mass that was probable cancer, and his body was dying. It all happened so fast ... he was never ill until February of this year and in a month .. he was gone from my life ... my head was spinning! He lost the light in his eyes and there was nothing left they could do for him ... despite a week in the hospital and $4000 later. I firmly believe he was so loyal he was trying to hang on to be with me .... He would light up and do a tad better after our visits ... but his body was failing him ... and he was in pain despite all the meds. I could not allow my best friend to suffer.

It killed me inside. I am still depressed over it. I have rescued two dogs since his passing ... and though I look and act ok on the outside ... I am not and I know it.

I rescued Lucy and she was going to be my strength ... but she was unfortunately older and very dog aggressive. Having two other dogs at home ... I felt it best all around that she had a stress free life. She is now my Niece's dog and doing wonderful! This makes my heart happy. She was a very sick little girl when I rescued her.

I have just rescued Eddee a month ago in two days ... and he is helping fill the void ... but it is still just not enough. He does some things that are just like Leeo ... and memories come back to me. I am actually crying as I type this to you. It is still all too fresh in my mind. Time will be my friend in the end. Much time will have to pass ... I believe I am still depressed.

I have Leeo's ashes in a music box urn and he is in my bedroom on my desk. I have made it perfectly clear that when I pass his ashes are to be buried with me.

No ... I am not a crazy person ... but I feel that once in your life you find the perfect companion whom you connect with mentally and emotionally ... and it makes it extremely difficult to let go.

So ... you see ... I do not find you unconventional in any way, shape, or form. I understand.

I never rescued the newest dogs to replace Leeo ... but in honor of him. There will never be IMO another dog even close to what he was. He is my one and only heart dog.

I made myself feel a bit better by having a coffee cup with his photo on it .. I can see him every morning as I awake ... and I just ordered the t-shirt I have been wanting to purchase with his photo on it ... to celebrate his life.

It just takes time.

To let you know ... many wonderful forum members on here helped me through all Leeo's illness and passing. I will never be able to re-pay them for their kindness and understanding. They are great folks!

I hope this helps you to see things in a bit of a different light. I hope it helps you to feel not so all alone.

 

[titiaamor]

I agree with Hambonez' advice- build up support and connections for yourself that are 'like family' so you can weather any difficulties ahead with community.

your situation is not to be taken lightly, but I also think that you are living in an illusion- you cannot know for sure that you will outlive your dog. None of us know the future. Live your life in this moment, right now, with your aging dog. Find something (or 10 things!) to be grateful for every day. Be in the moment of every juicy piece of life- the joy, the sorrow, the peace, the disappointment that aging ultimately brings. Celebrate the love you 2 have shared. Get therapy if you need it, especially from a therapist who understands the connection your have with Cindy.

One place you may be able to find some close connection and support- at the Humane Society or with a Dog Rescue group.

Good luck.

I haven't been on here in 5 years (2 posts, new member no replies) so I gave up sort of...

However that's not overly important.
My dog is literally all I have in terms of family and my problem now is that she's aged, approximately 13 years and a few months maybe.
I had 2 others, once when I was younger and in my teens to early 20's, but Cindy is MY ONE true dog.


Now that our walks are shorter, she has a few conditions going on sadly (thyroid, cushings, spondylosis) it's absolutely killing me inside.
Every single time I have to give her, her pills, it's just a constant reminder of how things badly have gotten.

On a personal note, I have depression and this dog from day one has changed my life for the better, but the aging process is just slowing killing me inside.

To some of you, I may some weak or whatever, but she really is all I have.
While I have friends, I don't have "family" as to the definition of a "nuclear one".

I have friends sure, but Cindy has been someone that literally went wherever I went - I worked for myself and have been grateful to have customers to allow me to bring her along to their homes - hope you can understand the degree to how much this dog was attached to the hip with me.

Our daily walks were long and now they've been drastically cut back.
I remember asking myself when they gave me a room to spend time with her (at the Humane Society), "in 10-15 years, do I want to go through losing you?"...

...so of course I adopted her, I just couldn't say no.


It absolutely kills me to think of "THAT DAY" when the time comes.

She's a very sweet timid dog, part of it because of the home she was in - father heavy drinker, verbally abusive, very confrontational... of course, in turn I had anger and she fed off of that.


I have this huge guilt just hanging over me now, eating away at me.
The good times and the ESPECIALLY the bad and I want to focus on the good.

She still wants to follow me everywhere I go to this day and part of me is wanting to push her away because (in my eyes) I feel like I'm going to lose her, so why not start the process now....
....it may seem twisted to the majority of you, but it's how I'm dealing with it.

I'm not sure what to do, because I'm incessantly thinking about how things will be without her.

I know I shouldn't, but I do.
I know I should enjoy the time I have with her now and I really do try to, but the skies aren't as blue as they used to be on our walks, nor is the grass as green.


A lady I walk with (and her Maltese Terrier) lost her husband a month ago (he was 79) and it was the first time I've been to a funeral in 20 years. It really hit me then.
She has a SUPERB family support system 4 adult children who love her dearly and care for her.


I'm just a complete stranger on a dog forum, reaching out to others for advice, help, suggestions, experiences, whatever.



It's just crushing me inside and I feel after losing my dog, I would be absolutely lost and feel like there is nothing left.

If anyone has any snide remarks or "get some balls" type comments, I'd really rather you don't.

 

[PackMomma]

I definitely do not know what you are going through, or what you have been through, as I have yet to lose my boys.. but I know the time will come eventually and I am already dreading it. I absolutely love my dogs as if they were my own children, basically, at this stage of my life (25 years old, common law married for the last 7 years and my 'hubby' is 30)..they are my children. In fact, we love these damned dogs so much, we often entertain the idea of never having children just so we can devote our lives to them and only them just the way they do for us. They definitely are the joys of our life. I know I can't predict the future and what will happen, but I can only hope I can have them around for as long as possible.

You have came to right place to reach our for support.. there are a lot of people on here who understand your feelings and likely many who have been in your situation. Sorry I can't offer you much support or advice on my behalf, but I do know that usually talking about and expressing your feelings is a good way to begin the healing process, just getting it off your chest and opening up often makes anyone feel better.

Because I can't predict the future, and I don't know how long my boys will be around...agewise and healthwise I know they will be around a while yet, being only 6 and 1, but anything could happen beyond my control..I have decided that to honor them for when they do leave me, and a way to always remember them and have them with me, I am going to take imprints of their paws, and have them tattooed on me. There's is another member on this forum who has done this with her dogs, and it is something I have been wanting to do for a while now, but having several tattoo's already I just wasn't sure I wanted another, but after much thought I have decided this is one of the ways I want to honor and cherish them forever. To some, that might sound silly and crazy too, much like having my hubby's initials tattoed on me, its a way I show my honor and commitment to him.. so I want to do the same for my pups.

By the way, I think your post was beautiful, and no decent person on this earth would judge you for what you've said. I wish you all the best and to find the inner strength you need to overcome what will eventually, be a huge loss. I know we are all complete strangers, but any real dog lover will always reach out and lend any kind of support they can to a fellow dog lover.

All the best to you

 

[MusherChic]

I feel for you, hun. I also suffer from depression from time to time and have actually just come through another bought of it (Seasonal Affective Disorder I think it was this time). My dogs and horses ( along with a few other things) are what get me through it. I can't imagine losing any of them and I get choked up even thinking about it.

I really don't have any advice for you but to stay positive. I know it sounds so cliche and so useless but you have to fill your head with positive thoughts and just live in the moment with your dog right now. I've found that if I stay busy, I think less and less about depression and negative thoughts, especially when I'm doing things for other people or other animals. It takes my mind away from myself and my problems.

Is there a local shelter or rescue that you could maybe volunteer for?

I'm afraid I can't be of much help, but just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers!

 

[lisak_87]

Your post truly made me tear up...

I also struggle with some mental health issues...namely, severe anxiety and PTSD. I used to have major depression as well; it lurks at this point and the anxiety has taken over. While I do not have a dog, my cats are the closest things to my heart. They have helped me through my darkest days; they have saved my life. I, too, think frequently about how hard it will be to lose them...and if I'll ever be able to recover.

I'm in therapy. I don't know if you are, but it is something to consider. I've been in therapy for years off and on, and as I've grown up, I've realized how important therapy is for me. What I try to do now is focus on today as much as possible. Today I have my cats. Today I haven't lost them. Today I can be ok.

My mind wants to jump to tomorrow...and all the tomorrows thereafter...and all that I could and will inevitably lose, but I try very hard now to think only about today.

I agree with the idea of volunteering at a shelter... with trying to bring more animals and people into your life that way. Just do what you can to fill up your life in these ways maybe. It helps me, at least, to feel that I have a purpose. Kind of keeps me anchored.

Lots of thoughts and prayers for you and your very fortunate pup who may have had a tough past...but was certainly blessed with a loving present and future.

 

[doxiemommy]

My dogs are young, but, every time I read a thread about someone getting ready to let go of their dog, be it because the dog is old, ill, or both, I get emotional myself. I love our little guys so much, I especially feel a connection to Harper. So, when I see a thread about losing one's dog, or possibly losing one's dog, I think about what it will be like when it is Harper's time, or Abby's time, or Oscar's time....
So, no, you are not alone.

I think reaching out to some of your friends and creating more of a human support system is a good idea. Even though you feel Cindy has been your support system, you will need support when her time comes. Volunteering at an animal shelter would be a great way to add some human support, as many of them will feel the way you do about their beloved pets.

Sending you positive thoughts....

 

[Amaryllis]

You are totally normal. It killed me to see muggsys muzzle turn grey, to watch arthritis overtake him, to see proof that he was losing his vision and hearing. Every morning I would wake up and think "is this the morning I no longer have a best friend?" i wanted to push him away and hold him tight. I told him i loved him every night before bed, just in case. then I had to put him to sleep last November. Liver cancer.

He loved me. He wanted me to be happy, all the time. I cried, a lot, but that's not what Muggsy wanted. Then I saw all the other muggsys, waiting in shelters and rescues like he was, for me. All the other good dogs, so I got one.

Having Kabota is not like having Muggsy. At all. Having Kabota is good in its own way. Good in a way that helps heal my heart. I still get sad, I still miss Muggsy, I always will, but it's not like drowning every time I breathe.

 

[Lindy]

I lost my heart dog several years ago shortly after I got married (I had my dog for over a decade prior to meeting my husband). While my husband loved my dog, he didn't have near the same connection I did and really wasn't a great support. I still felt lonely and heartbroken even though I did have others to lean on. They just didn't get it. I've missed my dog for years and every so often it really tears me up inside. But the one thing I could feel good about is making sure that he knew I was there for him until the end. Please hug on Cindy and continue to let her know how special she is even if she can't do all the things she used to do. She is still there for you, doing her best to help you. Trying to push her away now is not good for either of you.

As others said, if you can start building your support system, you will do better. I like the idea of volunteering at a shelter or rescue. They will truly understand your love for your dog and the pain when she moves on.

 

[sscott87]

While my "problems" don't nearly compare to some that have posted on here with more significant depression-related or similar issues, I do have my moments when I'm very thankful for Jax and Turbo, my dog and cat. I live alone, my fiance is still across the country working on college back home, and while I'm not without friends, I'm not the most social person in the world and haven't really found myself many good, close friends since moving to Texas a year ago. So with that, I have my moments when the house is silent and empty, and maybe I haven't really gone out with "friends" in a while, and missing my other half, etc etc, and just get down and a little depressed. And there's Turbo and Jax. I've had 2 previous cats, 1 in college that my fiance and her roommate found and I ended up with since they lived on-campus and couldn't have pets, and a stray I took in last year. The first, I passed on to my grandparents when I graduated and wasn't going to be able to have her with me for a while. The second turned out to not be in the greatest of health and died after a few months. Anyway, neither fit ME quite as perfectly as Turbo has since I got him last year (the stray was taken in as a second pet and in part as a companion for Turbo), and Jax, who I got in January, shortly after the stray cat passed. Both of my current pets fit my personality great and it probably helps me as well that they're both demanding of attention, which neither of the other 2 cats were (very independent ones). It's great to feel as if, to know that they're always there. Even in just 5 months, the thought has already crossed my mind that I don't know how I could bare to think of coming home and knowing Jax wouldn't be there waiting again.

With that said, you have to find something more. Whatever it is that may work for you. All sorts of people have suggest all sorts of options already that they've found from personal experiences or simply may think could be possible options to help you. I think trying to push your Cindy away in advance, trying to prepare yourself for her loss in that way really may just be setting yourself up for a greater failure later on. Then what? When she's gone, you may beat yourself up over how she'd lasted x number of years longer than you'd expected and how you may then think you wasted so much time by being afraid and distancing yourself in her final years. Just an example. Personally, I think I'd regret doing such. I'd try to make the most of her final years. You never know, it could be months or it could be multiple years. Something unexpected could happen to you before it does to her. Take each day for what it's worth and live it without placing protection from tomorrow's emotions as today's primary goal. You do need to brace yourself for it, as you know that sooner or later you'll likely have to deal with that pain, but don't waste what could be time well-spent.

 

[winniec777]

^^^What sscott said. I think it would be a big mistake to push her away and that you'd just regret it. I see my dog beginning to slow down and it's breaking my heart. But I try to do little things with her that give us both a bit of fun almost every day. Things that are new and keep her life interesting. I would just try to infuse as much of the things Cindy loves into her live as you can on a daily basis and enjoy being with her. You're already doing the hard part of mentally preparing for the loss. I think/hope that when the time comes for her to pass, you'll find solace in the fact that you both got as much out of her remaining time as you could.

God bless you both.

 

[spotted nikes]

Maybe pretend your dog died yesterday, and came back to life today...what a blessing that you have however many days left to spend with her. You know she will have to leave sometime, so each day is a gift. Kind of a different way of thinking about it.

 

[The Feather Duster]

Very touching OP and lovely responses to it. I can only hope that my own response will be somewhat helpful.

My own dog is middle-aged in dog years. No greying yet and no visible slowing down. I am the one who is greying and slowing down (says the human whose back is killing her with pain as she types this).

And yet and yet and yet, THAT day will come when my dog is elderly, likely in pain and possibly with a terminal illness. And a difficult decision will have to be made. I get teary just imagining it.

We are all going to lose our beloved canids sooner than we'd like because the sad and unchangeable fact is that their lifespans are simply not as long as our human ones. I wish I were the king of the universe and could change that immutable fact, but that's not going to happen.

I agree with others. Build a support system, be it through close friends, religious activities, hobbies or whatever. Help out with rescues. And give Cindy the best days of her remaining life that you can. Cindy will love and appreciate you for it. And when Cindy does leave you, you'll appreciate yourself for giving her the best life you could.

I know I will when my little one's time comes. I will weep like there's no tomorrow but I will also know in my heart of hearts that I gave her a very wonderful life and that she enjoyed every second of it with me. And that, I would hope, will give me immeasurable comfort.

As I would wish for you too. Love Cindy to bits while she is with you, spoil her rotten and treasure every moment you have with her.

I hope this makes sense ...

 

[houndies]

Very true. My eldest s coming up to 14. And it is always in my head and heart that when that time comes. She is the catalyst to my Basset love and the most amazing thing I have ever known (hence now we have 5!). Think of how lucky Cindy and you got together. And when it is time, it is time and it is the best thing you can do for her. She will be on the bridge telling all the other beautiful dogs how great you are. XX

 

[rotten]

No judgement here.
but a small suggestion. You are spending your last here and now moments, worrying about what will happen tomorrrow. So you are missing out on your last days together.
Firstly: have you considered getting her a young play thing. Whilst she is mature, and has some issues, and sure, her best years have gone, many dogs are greatly rejuvenated by a young baby to care for and play with. This could increase the quality of your last years together. As you watch your favourite person develop a new relationship and become the caring female/mum dog to the new one.
the two of you could train pup together. My 4 yr old taught my pup everything she knows before i got a look in! And I was truly awed by his gentleness, and persistance in getting her to take her bones outside coz mum doesnt like them in the house, to pee over here on the pave slabs, coz mum doesnt like us peeing on the grass etc etc.

The pup is the best present i ever bought our dog. This could be for you guys too!

Then, when that day finally comes, you will be grieving and celebrating those wonderful years you had with another. You can comfort each other.

Nothing will detract from losing a dog, especially one that you have a special bond with. Just like a person you have a special bond with (better in some cases!), but to have a source of comfort, and share the loss with another, will help you pull through grief and come out the other end. So that instead of fallling into floods of tears each moment, you are able to grin and smile as the memory DVD's play in your head.

On a personal note: try reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. Its wonderful self help book for those struggling with depression. You only have one go on this planet, dont put up with depression, its treatable.

Take care of yourself for you dog. And consider, if this was another person posting this thread, what would you advise her to do?
compassion, like charity, begins at home honey.
warm wishes.

 

[spotted nikes]

No judgement here.
but a small suggestion. You are spending your last here and now moments, worrying about what will happen tomorrrow. So you are missing out on your last days together.
Firstly: have you considered getting her a young play thing. Whilst she is mature, and has some issues, and sure, her best years have gone, many dogs are greatly rejuvenated by a young baby to care for and play with. This could increase the quality of your last years together. As you watch your favourite person develop a new relationship and become the caring female/mum dog to the new one.
the two of you could train pup together. My 4 yr old taught my pup everything she knows before i got a look in! And I was truly awed by his gentleness, and persistance in getting her to take her bones outside coz mum doesnt like them in the house, to pee over here on the pave slabs, coz mum doesnt like us peeing on the grass etc etc.

The pup is the best present i ever bought our dog. This could be for you guys too!

Then, when that day finally comes, you will be grieving and celebrating those wonderful years you had with another. You can comfort each other.

Nothing will detract from losing a dog, especially one that you have a special bond with. Just like a person you have a special bond with (better in some cases!), but to have a source of comfort, and share the loss with another, will help you pull through grief and come out the other end. So that instead of fallling into floods of tears each moment, you are able to grin and smile as the memory DVD's play in your head.

On a personal note: try reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. Its wonderful self help book for those struggling with depression. You only have one go on this planet, dont put up with depression, its treatable.

Take care of yourself for you dog. And consider, if this was another person posting this thread, what would you advise her to do?
compassion, like charity, begins at home honey.
warm wishes.

While I agree with the majority of your post, I wouldn't get a puppy with a 14 yr old dog. A 4 yr old getting a puppy companion, like you had is much different. Most puppies are too active and too much of a pain in the neck for elderly dogs to deal with. They tend to be arthritic at that age, and a puppy bouncing on them hurts. If your dog is very social, and loves other dogs, getting an older male dog (adult-4-8 yrs old) that is also well socialized, can give her some company and someone to play with when the urge strikes. Also, will be a comfort to you when your dog finally passes.

 

[Laurelin]

I've lost a lot of dogs over the years. Been fortunate enough to live with quite a few and it always hurts when they go. I remember quite often looking at Nikki and thinking of how old she was getting and slow. I remember having to leave her when I went to school and wondering if I'd ever see her again.

Truth is, when Mia goes, I'll be a basket case. I love all my dogs but that dog is so special to me. She's only three but I've started spying a few grey hairs here and there and it just makes me realize she's not a puppy anymore although I still think of her as a little puppy. I know she's not old and that papillons often grey prematurely but still... Summer is actually getting old these days. She has some back problems but otherwise is aging pretty well. Both those dogs have been my rock and my best friends.

And then Beau... his little grey face reminds me of my mother. He was my mom's dog before she died- her heart dog. I remember my mom and I talking one day and her telling me that losing Beau would be incredibly hard for her. Little did any of us know that he would outlive her. Nevermind our old 12 year old dog that had had tumors and had Cushings and was half blind and deaf by that point- he also outlived her.

My point isn't to be morbid, just you never know. I try to just be thankful for the time I have with my dogs and especially Mia. But you are definitely not alone in having a dog as your best friend and support system. I live alone and my dogs are my world. And there will definitely never be another Mia although I wish I could just keep her forever.

 

[Cheetah]

I feel how you do. My dog Eevee is 12 now, and I'm dreading the day when I lose her. She is my everything. I'm not really sure how I'm going to deal with it when it happens. I'll probably be devastated at first, but do my best to pick myself up. Shippo will be there to make things a little better. I'll probably go rescue another dog. I'm bad with grieving without something to fill that empty space, and a new dog to focus on will most likely help me to heal. Plus I'll get to save a life.

I have this unrealistic urge for Eevee to live forever... =/

 

[Isabell]

Its really a hard time when you the day is coming nearer. We feel so helpless.... but this is the time when we should spend as much time with our dogs as possible. Love it more than ever..its just a time when we think of the ways how we can keep our pets with us forever.................