I would add something about why you are interested in that particular breed. Mention a specific trait. I know service work is at the top of your list, but there's lots of breeds known for service work, so maybe slip in something else unique to that breed. You don't have to go into great detail, just indicate you have in fact done your research on the breed in question. You might also mention why you are interested in that particular breeder, such as "I noticed your dogs participate in therapy work" or something.
Instead of "get a puppy from you" I would instead say something along the lines of "I hope to be placed on your waiting list for a future litter" or something similar.
You should also delete the "all my time will be dedicated to training and socializing the puppy" because no it won't and breeders know that. You have a life outside of school and the dog! Breeders don't expect you to dedicate your life to training a dog, and it sounds a bit weird and like you're trying to hard to get in their good graces. Instead, just give a very brief overview of your training plans and goals.
Good luck!
Instead of "get a puppy from you" I would instead say something along the lines of "I hope to be placed on your waiting list for a future litter" or something similar.
You should also delete the "all my time will be dedicated to training and socializing the puppy" because no it won't and breeders know that. You have a life outside of school and the dog! Breeders don't expect you to dedicate your life to training a dog, and it sounds a bit weird and like you're trying to hard to get in their good graces. Instead, just give a very brief overview of your training plans and goals.
Good luck!