Advice anyone?!?

starry15 · 08-02-2008, 03:25 PM

Okay, I never really been socolized in my life. I haven't seen a girl my age in a few years and when I am out in public, I don't really know how to act. Well I am going to be having a job soon and I am scared because, I don't know how to act or what to talk about. I have online friends and it is differnet because you cant see their face, when their rolling their eyes or their tone of voice. One of my big flaws is, I forgive so easy and I always believe everything someone tells me. I don't know why but I am just like that. I have some friendships now that I don't feel confterable in and I have a friend that always seems to blow me off and it makes me mad because the one time they did that, I had to convince my mom to change the plans just for them. When I am friends with people, I never say how I feel because I am afraid that they will get mad at me. When I try to walk away and get over them, I just cant. I try everything, locking myself in my room,biting my tounge, not getting on them sites they are on and I just cant. Even though they put me through so much pain. My mom says, when I loose the feelings for somebody, then I will be dread talking to them and stuff. I am easly drawn into peer preasure, if my friend asks me to do something, and I say no they start to get mad then and I give in even if I know it is wrong. I am so afraid of loosing a friend because, I don't have a whole bunch. I let people take advantage of me too and yet im stupid enough to wait for them.

My mom is afraid that someday when I am on my own that when I have my first real serious boyfriend that he will abuse me and I will let him because I let anyone do anything to me because im afraid to walk away. I am afraid that they might change, I will miss the person that they are.

Can anyone give me some tips on how to be a good friend and how to act in real life? How to walk away and what signs I should be aware of when I should just walk away?

RubesMom · 08-02-2008, 03:43 PM

It's easier said than done, but you have to learn to say no sometimes. It's perfectly okay to say no, and sometimes it is essential to do it for yourself, if no one else.
Don't worry about having a lot of friends. I don't either, and I never have. It's more important to have good, quality friendships. Quality, not quantity.
I used to be the type of person who would let people take advantage of me, too. I constantly second-guessed myself and thought I was he one doing something wrong. I had to learn to trust myself and my gut feeling about people. Now when I feel I am being wronged, I either cut off contact with that person, or I speak up. I am much more assertive now than I was a couple of years ago even. It may seem strange but I actually think a lot of it comes from horseback riding-- you have to be physically and mentally a strong person and you have to be in control. I've fought with my horse so many times, but I usually win. I don't let him take advantage of me, and that has transferred to my real life as well.
Remember that you are just as entitled as anyone else to receive good treatment from people. It doesn't matter the sex, age, race, position in a workplace... you are just as entitled. You have every right to say no when you don't want to do something, and you have every right to speak up and say so when you feel someone is taking advantage of you.

allison · 08-02-2008, 05:41 PM

I know this is cliche... but you should just be yourself. If people do not like you for you... forget about them. You don't have to be mean, etc. but they aren't worth your time. Finding true friends is hard for everyone, not just you! Be open, be yourself. If people try to get you to do the wrong thing, don't do it... if they get mad too bad on them, at least you know you are safe.

As for a boyfriend... be PICKY! Don't settle for someone. I know your self esteem is low. Remember, a good partner is one who makes you feel good about yourself... NOT CRAPPY.

Also, talk to someone.. therapist, social worker, a teacher you trust? Someone who will listen without judgement.

The only way you are going to be happy in your relationships-whether with friends, boyfriends, family, coworkers, whoever, is if you are happy with yourself.

Be proactive! Get offline and live real life. Get out there and help yourself! It will give you confidence. Talk to your mom about options you have with finding a counselor or therapist. Of course I don't know your whole story, why you are so isolated (or feel that way) but try this: go to a function, whether at a church, book club at the bookstore, dog training class, whatever and find one person who seems friendly. Smile, introduce yourself, but don't expect to be best friends. If you do this enough, you will eventually find people who you can be friends with- real friends, not ones who will get you in trouble or are disrespectful to you.

Remember: You are in control of you, no one else. Take care of YOU!!!

Good luck

Mdawn · 08-02-2008, 11:48 PM

I think getting a job will be an excellent opportunity for you! Congratulations!

When I was younger, I was a very shy person. I hated talking to people that I didn't know. Conversation was not my strong suit. It still isn't. However, as I got older, I grew out of it for the most part. I'm still a quiet person...not because I'm shy exactly but because I don't see the point in pointless conversations, I guess.

However, people are always talking my ear off. Because I'm so quiet people feel the need to talk to me more. I rarely start conversations with people, they always start them with me because me being quiet makes them uncomfortable. lol I've had many people actually tell me this...one person not very long ago.

As for making friends...I have discovered that it is just a side effect of jobs...you will make friends there whether you want to or not. lol Before I got my job that I have now, I had a few close friends...maybe 2. lol Now I have a ton of friends at work. They are ALWAYS calling me on weekends wanting to do this and that with them. It drives me nuts for the most part because I'm a homebody and like having quiet weekends at home with my SO and my dogs.

Just go to your job with the purpose of just doing your job and everything else will just fall into place. Try not to worry about whether this or that person likes you or whatnot. Having worrisome, negative thoughts like that will just make you MORE nervous and will only be a hindrance to you. Just go and be yourself and enjoy being OUT in the world.

starry15 · 08-04-2008, 03:52 PM

Well, my mom don't believe in therapists because she did that for my sister and it was a waste of money, she ended up in a mental state and doing drugs and stuff. She is a very bad person and my mom said a therapist didn't help her and it won't help me. Back when I was in public school, I went to a guidence counsler everyday there was school and it didn't help me non. Just made me feel worse.

My mom is very...Strict...I am not allowed to go outside without her watching me out the window or being outside with me. She don't allow me in another isle of the store without her being able to view me. I have no choice in shirts. She choose them because she don't want me looking like a little "tamp" and she has strict standerds. I haven't seen anyone my age and same sex that I acutally hang out with in 6 years. Just my moms best friends son, which he is older than me so it was kind of...strange. It was he was being forced. My mom said that teenage girls shouldnt be friends with teenage girls or hang out without supervision all the time because my mom don't want to be responsable for my actions. I have tried talking to her about loosing up and everytime we do, it gets into a big argument and sometmes it gets into hitting each other. She don't understand.

We don't go to church at all. My mom says that most of the people that go to OUR church we use to go, just use relgion to cover up who they are and are nasty people outside of that. We believe in God but just don't do church.

Getting a job will be my first social interactment in 7 years and I am very scared. I don't know how to act even when we are in a store and I see someone around my age, I tighten-up and start shaking and its like I am frozen in one spot.

K8IE · 08-04-2008, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by allison

I know this is cliche... but you should just be yourself. If people do not like you for you... forget about them. You don't have to be mean, etc. but they aren't worth your time. Finding true friends is hard for everyone, not just you! Be open, be yourself. If people try to get you to do the wrong thing, don't do it... if they get mad too bad on them, at least you know you are safe.

As for a boyfriend... be PICKY! Don't settle for someone. I know your self esteem is low. Remember, a good partner is one who makes you feel good about yourself... NOT CRAPPY.

Also, talk to someone.. therapist, social worker, a teacher you trust? Someone who will listen without judgement.

The only way you are going to be happy in your relationships-whether with friends, boyfriends, family, coworkers, whoever, is if you are happy with yourself.

Be proactive! Get offline and live real life. Get out there and help yourself! It will give you confidence. Talk to your mom about options you have with finding a counselor or therapist. Of course I don't know your whole story, why you are so isolated (or feel that way) but try this: go to a function, whether at a church, book club at the bookstore, dog training class, whatever and find one person who seems friendly. Smile, introduce yourself, but don't expect to be best friends. If you do this enough, you will eventually find people who you can be friends with- real friends, not ones who will get you in trouble or are disrespectful to you.

Remember: You are in control of you, no one else. Take care of YOU!!!

Good luck

This is all EXCELLENT advice. It can be hard to relax and loosen up around people you don't know, but just try to be yourself and not be nervous. I am a people person and do believe that there really are a LOT of great people out there if you stay open, but also stay aware and realistic at the same time. Good people will help you feel at ease, the not so good ones will make you uncomfortable and insecure and those are the ones to avoid.

It sounds like your mother has a pretty tight reign on you and that has to be hard for you. I am sorry for that. In a way as a parent I can understand wanting to shelter my child, but I also know how very important it is for my son to have relationships in this life and to learn to interact and get to know people and make friends.

Have you thought about doing some volunteer work at an animal shelter, hospital, or nursing home? That is a great way to get out around other compassionate and kind people that you might really click with. I wonder if your mom would support you in that? Just some ideas.

allison · 08-04-2008, 06:17 PM

Starry, since you are getting your first job I am assuming that you are around 16 years old?

Guess what? This may sound harsh, but I deal in tough love and realities...

Be strong and stand up for yourself and in 2 years you can go out on your own and live the way you want to. Your mom sounds like she has some pretty serious issues of her own to deal with. She doesn't want you to go to counseling because she is afraid of how she will look to the therapist. She doesn't want you to go to church because she wants you to rely on her. She is threatening that you will end up like your sister to put control over you. You are not your sister, you are you.

Take control over your life. I am not saying to start fights with your mom. In fact just the opposite. Do whatever will keep the peace, but know that as soon as you start taking control, the easier it will be for you to have your own life in a few years.

Like K8TIE said... volunteer somewhere as well as working. If your mom says no, tell her volunteerism looks good on college apps.

Please know that your mom has her own issues that have nothing to do with you at all. But also know that she is your mom and you do have to do what she says until you move out.

Get out there and take some chances with talking to people in the right situations! Make good choices and good things will come too!

Good luck