Today im feeling....

starry15

Hello,
I usally put on a smile to cover up my tears and I never let people know how Im feeling. Well today im felling really bad. here is how i am felling :

I fell like nobody cares about me. I tried to im my friend mags but she told me if all I was gonna do was cry she wasnt gonna be my freind anymore. So I just logged out of the messingers. My mom kept saying to stop crying and pitting myself cause things are worse somewhere else. Well its my life thats bothering me. Im never happy when I should be. Im thinking of killing myself but I would never really do it. I been listing to hard core rock instead of my usal country music. My mom never pays attetion to me and my dad and I dont get along at all. He wont even talk to me. My mom would rather sit and complain about the heat then do anythin with me. They complain im always on the computer and should get off and do things but im restricted. Im not allwoed to go outside without my mom being out there with me. I dont have any freinds in my town I can hang with, even if i did my mom would have to hang around us. So Embara. and phone calls my friends that I do have, live 4 hrs away and futher. So all thats left for me to do is sit and play board games with myself. My mom wont spend money on play games like PS2 or nitendo or Xbox. She dont belvie in those and its really hurting me emotonally. I dont have any brothers or sisters. My brother is 28 and hes married and I only see him a few times a year. I dread the weekends because I know all my online freinds will be hanging out with there freinds and talking about it and when they talk about that it makes me upset. So I tend to lie and make up something that happened to hide my pain. My mom did offer to do something today and we didnt agree. She likes country stores. I HATE them. She made me hate them. She hates being in the city and around alot of people. I DO. I wanna see a city , I wanna be out and see things even if there r alot of people. I fell like I dont fit into the family. My dad hates me and my mom dont wanna do anything with me. Im not allowed to do anything and when it comes to computer im only allowed on DF, DC, doggyspaces, Girlsense, CP and webkinz. Thats it. Nothing else. If I wanna talk to anyone on the IM my mom has to see a photo of them or hear them on mic, then she allows me to do mic. Its really embara. Im 15 almost 16 for goodness sakes, I should be allowed a little freedom. So I have gotten into a depression. It started out little, now its really gotten into a serious issue. I dont know how to meet new people, I dont know how to talk to people. Im so unsocialised. My family dont go to family outtings unless its like something theres no way out of. I asked my mom for me to talk to a consler or something but she said people who go to them are throwing away there money and they usally become crazy. I need freinds, I need a life, I need freedom but I cant have non of that untill im 18. I know when im 18 im gonna do alot of stuff, wild stuff I never got to do. Its gonna hold me back. Can someone please help me through this???? I dont know how much more I can take before I end up really killing myself. Nobody knows how lonley it is to play a board game with yourself.

Sorry, I need to air, someone to listen to me. Im felling so sad and lonley.

EDIT : use to be really good at school, but i lost all intrest in school and i never fell happy ever. Im signing off, my mom said its time for me to get off. Im also not allowed to join anything. All there is country clubs and I hate sports and country things and chruch studys, I love god and belive in him, but I refuse to do that.

Dakota Spirit

I think most of things you listed are part of growing up. When we are kids it always feels like we have no freedom, no choices, etc. But, it is the parent's job to keep you safe and your activates WILL be at their discretion until you are old enough to be an adult.

Growing up, there always had to be an adult where I was. I never had the option to run around the neighborhood alone or with friends...but you know what? Looking back it wasn't really so bad.

As for the video games - I don't think you should be emotionally hurting because you don't have money to spend on new ones. They are just games; your happiness should not depend so much on whether or not you get to play Nintendo.

Also, I'm a bit confused. You said you had no siblings but then went on to say you had a brother that you only visit a few times a year. Have you tried corresponding with him through e-mails/letters? Or maybe set up a weekly phone call for the two of you?

I think you really DO need to take a breather, simply because I think you are allowing your emotions to blow this too far out of proportion. Of course, I do not know all of your life details, everything I've said it based simply on this post. Life can be hard, but its just part of living and growing up.

lovemygreys

Yep. Sounds pretty normal to me. Hate parents, hate friends, hate life, want things you can't/don't have, hate school, hate not being an adult, everyone in the world is against you, raging hormones.....yep...pretty normal. You aren't the only 15 year old to feel this way...and I'd bet your friends have days they feel like you do as well.

If you have thoughts of killing yourself or believe you need help of a counselor, talk to someone at school (a teacher/guidance counselor/other adult). They can help you get the help you need.

I know the last thing I wanted to hear when I was your age was that "it's a phase" and "it will pass"...but it will. Before you know it, you'll be 30+ years old with a mortgage, car payment and a full time job.

starry15

Well all my freinds say they get to go out to partys and dances and hang out alone at the malls. Sleepovers. I never had one of them. As for counslers, my mom does not belive in that. I get homeschooled. The school I went to was a bad school and my mom pulled me out to be homeschooled. The other school thats closer, it costs money to go to. I dont know.

My mom and I cant agree. We went to rent movies. I wanted to rent Final Destionan 3. I saw the 1st one and my brother said the 3rd was good and my mom saw it was rated R for horror and some nudity. My moms like nope, no R rated movies. But I saw the 1st of that sequal and it was R rated. I was also like, I seen everything in movies so why do you care all of a sudden? I was only allowed to rent, mimzy, adams family, North american wildlife, some older movie with Don Knotts in it all figg or something and she did let me rent "The Fog" . Only because her and I got a crush on the guy in the movie. It was really embara because there was a cute guy in there and I didnt want him to think i was a baby.

My mom and I try to find things to do. But we cant find ANYTHING at all. I suggest dog oply, she says she hates all manoply. She suggests old made, I hate card games. She says yatze , I say to much thinking and math. We had a sega and we would play micky mouse and it finally went. T.V. Games was the only thing we could do without arguing. So my dad is money tight and wont let us get a ps2. So now my mom and I fight because theres nothing to do.

My brother, I do have a brother. He lives a mile away in his own house. I only see him a few times a year on holidays thats it. Him and I get along at times but some times we dont. It depends on his mood. He said he really dont care how I feel beause he was treated the same way at home and he survived and I will 2. :rooling eyes:

I was born too late

Betty

My mom and I fought like two wet cats when I was a teenager. I never could, and still can't, squeeze a "deep" conversation out of my permanently poker-faced dad. I wanted to run away, and worse. I was depressed a lot. My hormones were completely out of whack and affected me physically and emotionally.

My parents tried so hard to not spoil me and my brother and raised us with such an iron grip that they inadvertently deprived us of a lot of things, making us feel like we were outcast. We had total alienation from our parents and near-alienation with our own peers.

My brother now takes it out on himself and everyone else around him; he resents our parents, spoils his kids rotten and gives them inconsistent parenting, he has sucked his roll-over wife dry and now cheats on her, and spoils himself with material items he can't afford - all of which is crashing down on his head in divorce, masses of bills he can barely keep up with, and worse. I think he drinks and who knows what else, too. He smiles like nothing is wrong, and waves us away when we plead with him. He does whatever he wants now, and nobody can tell him "No." One of these days I'm going to get a phone call that will rip my heart out.

You can be just like that, if you allow it. Or you can conclude that you likely can't change what your parents are doing, and set about paving the path to 18. If you want independence, you'll need good grades, a good attitude, and a good job.

PLEASE don't punish yourself because you believe you are being neglected or wronged. A lot of people - especially hormonal, bored teenagers - do this and wind up on drugs, get drunk, or do other self-destructive, reckless behavior. Others are quick to do everything they weren't allowed to do while leashed, which can also be disastrous if done carelessly.

And PLEASE DON'T build up resentment towards your parents. That can eat you alive. My mom said I would grow up to live in a cardboard box, and when she was angry, would call me ugly, stupid and worthless. But I'm not in a cardboard box, and I don't have sleepless nights wondering if I have finally "proved" myself to her. I proved myself to me. Your fate is in your hands. I know now my parents tried the best they could, and my mother had PMDD. It took years and a lot of distance between them to sort that out.

You're angry, upset and depressed, and that's something you don't want bottled up, because it can explode. Channel yourself into doing positive things to take up your time. You can do volunteer work to keep yourself occupied and out of trouble, and to meet new faces (I suppose that will be hard if your mom won't let you). You mentioned wanting to be a graphic designer. Grab a paper and pencil and start honing your drawing skills. Express yourself in art, even if you think you're not very good. Art and writing silly short stories helped me get through some really tough times.

And hug your dog. Warm, furry hugs are always soothing, even if you get a little bit slobbered.

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tsorcus

I grew up in a situation much like yours and I well remember how miserable being 15/16 can be. It gets better believe me - all those people who tell you that this age is the best of your life are lying! Just hang on in there and use this time to decide who you are and what you want to be so that you can hold your own in the world when you get out there rather than being drawn into doing stupid things because you never had the chance before.

At least you have Star to keep you company - a dog is still the best company there is for me

peace36

HI there

I just read your post. I am sorry to hear you are so sad, lonely and depressed.

Sounds like you really need something to do. I am a mom of 5 my oldest daughter is 11. I am always trying to think of some hobby so when they are bored they have that to turn to.

Maybe try looking up Hobbies on the net and see if anything that interests you come up. I know some of them take money but maybe you can ask for that for a birthday or christmas present or save allowance $ for if you get any?

Feel free to PM me any time. I am no expert on physicolgy or anything but I have 5 kids and an odd childhood. If I can offer any advice I'd love to help.

My daughter loves going on Webkins too.

I would continue to behave as mature and responsible as you can. It will help with your parents to give you a bit more freedom maybe? I can imagine it is hard not having a sibling or good friend your age near by. My 2 daughters are only 18 months apart and may bicker but 2 seconds later giggling like crazy.

Try to cheer up. Life for you will change it will not always be this way even though it may seem to be going awefully slow right now before you know it BAM you will be laughing and dancing in a crowd of friends or maybe on a camp out with close friends sharing funny secrets. Some times though I find a good cry to let all your frustrations out does help.

digits mama

Turn that frown upside down sweety, And let your sun shine. Before you know it you will be your own person. You will be able to do great things. Start planning your future now, anything can happen.

Puppy_love_122

ugg.. I know how you feel, life sucks sometimes, but it will get better. Just think in 3 years you can do what ever the heck you want this always cheers me up. As for your friend, if she did that she isnt a very good friend IMO at least. And Star will always love you and you have him.

Cassie Nova

Hey, I got a hobby for you! Writing. You can write stories and poems or whatever you want. It's a good, healthy way to express yourself and it's easy. You have nothing to pay for and it won't have you asking to leave the house or do something your mom disapproves of. I could spend all day writing, and it has opened so many new doors. I've based my future around English/writing and I now appreciate different music artists, fine art and nature more than I ever had before. If you'd like, I can help you get started. It's fun and really easy, believe it or not!

Katzyn

Life is hard, we all know that. We all have our "omg, life is so f*kcing horrible" times; some of us have it worse than others.

If it makes you feel any better, the years that I was 14-16 were the worst years of my life, so far, all simply because I was a teenager and a -girl-. My hormones were raging, I was constantly depressed, and because of that, I acted out against my parents. I was almost always grounded, and for my family, grounded means no TV, no internet (not that I had much access to it, anyway, because I couldn't even go on half the websites you can!), no video games, no junk food/dessert, no...anything. I certainly couldn't go out with friends, because I only had one, and her parents were even stricter than mine (she was Muslim, and her father was VERY protective of her). When I -was- actually ungrounded, I somehow always did something stupid enough (like fail Gym class) to get myself grounded again.

My mom and I were always fighting; so much so that she threatened to leave the family several times. I was abandoned when I was a child, so this truely hit home. I started cutting myself (not as seriously as other kids did, but enough so that my dad feared for my sanity).

After I was caught doing so by my parents, I stopped, because I realized that my parents only restrict me to keep me safe. Sometimes I watched the news with them and learned about all the kids (girls, mostly) who get kidnapped by stalkers on the internet. I learned that they truely did just want me to do better in school.

You know what you should do? You should prepare a talk with your mother. Sit her down and tell her how you feel. But! You -must- not cry. It's hard, I know, when you feel SO frustrated at everything. Trust me, I cried at EVERYTHING. I got yelled at for something silly, I cried. XD I knew I was failing a class, I cried. I got caught for lying about something, I cried. I still cry when I get frustrated or upset. Hell, I almost cried today when I was told I couldn't buy this absolutely endearing male cockatiel at the pet store.

But to have this mature talk with your mother, to truly let her know how you feel, you NEED to be adult, or she won't take you seriously. And you NEED to look at her point of view before you say anything to her, or she'll come right back at you with adult logic. >_> Sometimes, when you're angry, you miss things, logical things, that somehow, adults just naturally see. >_> I do that all the time, and when I get in an arguement with my mother, she shoots me down, and I feel like a small child again.

So, all in all, I recommend you write down everything that makes you mad, upset, deppressed, whatever, about what is going on in your life, and present it to your mother in a calm, mature way. She'll think more highly of you, I'm sure, if you can do so. And, if you present good points, such as she's holding you back in life by not letting you learn how to socialize with other people, maybe she'll realize that you really -do- need to get out into the world a bit, before it's too late. =)

Keep your head up. You belong to this forum, and the members here care for you, even if you feel nobody does, okay? =) That's what forums are for.

peace36

What a great idea for a hobbie!

nlkeple

My sister is 15 as well, and she lives in a town that is let just say conservative. Just remember that in a few years you will be able to have the final say in what you can or can't do. But even when you are 18 it won't mean you can do anything you want, everyone has obligations, responsibilites, budjets, and limitations.

In the mean time put your time and energy into a hobby. If you are homeschooled you can probably talk your mom into bringing you to the library and if not you can ask if you can do some research online. Check out a few books on hobbies that you could do. My sisters preffered hobbies are knitting and training her dog Falcor. You could get some books about knitting and yarn is cheap. You could also find grooming books, or obedience books at the library. You could try training Star to do obedience or therapy work. Even if you can't actually do the obedience competitions or the therapy work until after you are 18 the training and the time bonding will pay off before then.

starry15

Today I was starting to fell better. Well my dad got a really good paycheck this week and they were celebrating and we went to barns n noble and they were buying books and cd's and I wanted something and my mom looked at me and said get a job. Which i started cry inside because I tried to get a job but Im too young yet. Its a no win situation. I told her how am I sopose to get a job when they all turn me down because im to young? She said do it around home. Every time I ask for job around the house my mom has an excuse and says the only thing I can do is take care of star and thats it. Talk about unfair Then she turned around said heres your allowence which is 5 bucks and said leave me alone about the book. 5 dollars, Well now I only have 10 bucks. Which I have to keep for my cell phone. Then the more I think about it Why should I even keep my cell phone? Im wasting like 28 dollars every 3 months on something I hardy use and only one person texts me and thats my brother and he went over on his bill and now he wont text me I never see him like I said. I wish I would of stayed home. So we came home and my mom started reheating the lazana. I said dont bother to give me a pieace. Its the 3rd night we had it and im soo sick of it. But yet she still makes it and im stuck eating it. UGH!!!

For hobbies, Im very picky. I hate reading. I think its because of school. They force stories I dont wanna read on me. Now I hate reading. I wanna sing but I get yelled at for that becasue apperntly I suck. I dont know. I try acting but then my moms like what are you doing? Sorta like poking fun at me. Art isnt my thing. I suck at it and crafts, I try to do but i get yelled at for making a mess. Im really sick of being on the computer I just usally sit and moan in my room. The only things I enjoy are dogs and graphic design and my mom wont let me on other sites to desgin and dogs, my mom wont let me do anything with other dogs just my dog. She wants to put me in some kind of camp and im like NOOOOOOOO im not leaving my dog and staying in so misqueto infested trashy tasting food place.

I know someday I will have my own life. Its not comming soon enough. I fell like this song :

YouTube - More To Life - Stacie Orrico

Kiira

Just hang in there, life will get better. I mean, I don't know that for sure, because I'm only 14, I feel like my parents hate me, and my siblings taunt me all the time, but I think I'll survive. Here's some good advice: don't hurt yourself. I used to cut. I knew a lot of kids that used to cut. My friend and cousin used to cut. People used to tell me that cutting makes you feel better. It doesn't. It makes you feel worse. And don't ever smoke or do drugs or any of that stuff, it'll just ruin your life. I've never done that stuff, but I've seen people fall because of it.
It sucks that you don't have any friends to hang out with. I know how hard it is to make friends. I've been home schooled all my life, I don't do any sports, take any kind of lessons outside of home, or really go anywhere to meet people. For 2 years in my life I had no friends at all. All I did all day was sit in my room and draw pictures, or write stories. So I know what you mean when you say you're unsocialized. I'm the exact same way. I act like a deer caught in headlights when anyone says my name because I don't know what to say back. A lot of kids that I hang out with think I hate them because I'm so quiet and I don't talk to them. Anyways... like I was saying... for about 2 years in my life I had no friends at all, but I found better ways to spend my days than sitting crying about it like I did. You may think you hate reading, but if you find the right book, I'm sure you'll learn to enjoy reading. I really hated reading a while ago because all I was given to read was the crappy school books I had. And if you can't buy a book, you could ask to go to the library and find one (I don't remember if you said you're allowed to go there or not, but I don't see the harm in it.) I used to try writing books when I was younger because I hated all the books I read and thought the world needed something better. It was a good way to just let loose and say what I wanted to without worrying what people thought, because I never let anyone read what I wrote. And don't let anyone tell you you suck at anything. It's not actually their decision, it's yours. But even if you think you suck at something, just keep at whatever you're doing, practice makes perfect.
I'm sure you'll meet some friends soon, I did, after those 2 years of nothing. You'll meet someone when you least expect it, trust me.
Sometimes when I get really sad like how you are, I try to just think "What am I doing? I'm wasting my childhood being sad when I could be trying to just enjoy it." Sometimes you have to just look at the good things in life, instead of every little thing that tries to beat you down. You'll get through this depression, just don't give up on trying to be happy. Good luck!

Cassie Nova

Ahhhh but writing is so much different than reading. Reading throws you into someone else's shoes (which can be a very, very good thing! ) but writing allows you to be yourself and become true to yourself. It gives you a TON of self confidence when you write something and re-read it and say to yourself "WOW, that is so beautiful!" or "I never knew I could rhyme like that!" and that feeling lasts. You can also write and throw yourself into someone else's shoes, but that's not generally why I love writing. Alot of times, readers may think that authors put themselves in someone else's life, but alot of times it's just a piece of them that no one knew coming out for the first time. Most everything you write will relate to you in some way.

Just try to write one verse. Sit down and write out your feelings and figure our how to make it flow and maybe rhyme if you feel like it. Poetry never HAS to rhyme, but it does have to flow. Give it a try! It's fun!

starry15

Hello everyone,
Sorry I havent been online. I been having really bad stomic pains which keeps me away from the computer cause the pains worse sitting here. My mom had the same thing 2 days ago and now I go it. She thinks its because I have to use the restroom but I think its stomic flue. I dont know. My mom and I have been fighting. We fought in the mall. It was all over a simple thing called makeup. She told me if I started acting like a teen and being mature, she would let me have makeup. Well to her makeup is "Blush" nothing more. So I told her I wanted Eye liner or eyeshadow. She was like NO, I dont want my daughter looking like someone hit her in the eye or looking like a clown. well that got into a big fight right in the mall. Well my mom gave me a look which ment stop acting like a child. Well I needed a new purse and we went into sears well looking for a purse sparked another fight. My mom said leather, I said NO. the new ones to big but w/e it was my only chance to get a new purse. Well she still got it but instead of having it right then, I gotta wait till christmas. Heck by that time, it will be spring and time for a spring purse. Well when we got home my mom and I kept at it. She said she wished she was dead and I wished the world would end. After we said that, we both got really bad pains in our sides and stomic. Mine was so bad last night, nowhere I moved in bed, would releave the pain. I finally did fall asleep and this morning I still had it. ITs wearing off little by little. So I turned on the cd player, and Carrie underwoods song came on and in the one part of the lyrics it went " Love every breath god gives you for what its worth" and I started thinking, I shouldnt complain and my life aint as bad as other people. I mean I should stop being mean to my mom and start accpecting my life as it is, its alot better then someone whos dieing of cancer or something. Then I turned the radio on and her song so small came on and I cant remember the exact way it went but it went something like this " Sometimes, that moutin you been climbing is a great of sin, and what you been lookin for forever, is in your hands, Its so easy to get lost inside a problem that seems so big at the time, its like a river thats so wide, it swollows you whole, while your sittin there worrin about things you cant change, worrying about all the wrong things, times flyin' by movin' so fast better make it count cause you cant get it back." In the vedio the girls fighting with her mom. Its like that song was ment for me. Well I gotta go now. Wow, maybe i really am ment for songwriting, I really get into the concept.

Betty

Are you and your mom having your periods at the same time (stomach cramps)? (And that's not a joke.) It's very common that women who live with each other menstruate at the same time. Mom and I did. So you mix mother and daughter, both having PMS, and one with teenage hormones...yikes!

And I won't forget how it would explode so badly I called her the b-word for the first (and last) time. She would in turn tell me to just kill her and that she wished I was never born. She'd smack me around and I'd grab her wrists to keep her from hitting me. I wanted to run away or kill myself.

Lots of teenagers, especially girls, have a very hard time. Stay strong, survive it, and work your way to independence.

Your mom probably wanted you to have a leather purse because leather is durable and will last a long time, and therefore be a better purchase. I'd say you're lucky to go to Sears - my mom would've taken me to WalMart and I would've had whatever was on the sale rack.

Cassie Nova

That's the spirit! Everyone's meant for it, most people just don't know it.

starry15

No, she hasnt had her period in years. Mine ended a few weeks ago. Like is so hard. We both got the stomic pains because we were being mean with each other and I think god was punishing us.

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