I Put Down My Baby Yesterday

yoiesmama · 12-28-2006, 09:15 AM

I'm not sure if this is the forum to put this in but i really need to talk to someone now. i put down my 14 year old american eskimo zoe yesterday. she had paralysis in her hind legs for about a year and she was in diapers (her pretty panties)and was still doing well. she began losing weight, she went from 25 pounds 4 years ago to 14.7 yesterday. she had lost 2 1/2 pounds since september. she had a stroke about a year ago and progressively got worse. she got to the point that she couldnt eat right. it took her 10-15 minutes to eat a piece of food at times. this is why she lost weight and why we finally had her put down. my problem is that when i went yesterday to the vet she was so happy. i had to change her pretty panties right before we left and she always gets so happy when she has her panties changed. i cant get it out of my mind. i feel so terrible that i had her put down. she kept looking at me at the vet with those smiling eyes that said "come on mama, lets go home and cuddle on the couch now". i cant stand it. i hate myself for putting her down and i miss her so much. she was my little baby and i love her so much. i dont know if i did the right thing. im really second guessing myself and im really feeling guilty and horrible for not just taking her home. i feel like ive killed my ailing child. im sorry to dump on all of you. i just feel so horrible and i cant stop crying. i miss her so very much. my heart is completely broken.

sobreeze · 12-28-2006, 09:44 AM

i know how hard it is to let your best friend go i have lots of dogs an animals i live on a farm last year i had to put my horse tishma down she was 33 years old i had her all her life the last few years had been hard on her she had a hard time eating she had no teeth left she had lost a lot of weight it took her hours to eat i went out one morning and she could not get up and she tryed so hard but her body had failded her but her mind was still good so i had my vet come and put her to sleep and i held her head in my arms and cryed we had been together a long time so even though its been over a year it still hurts not to have her with me and it hurts every time i have to make this choice for one of my babys so my heart goes out to you and it does get easyer but dont let any tell you it hurts less because she was just a animal if you need to talk email me breezefrm@earthlink.net and know she dont hurt any more

yoiesmama · 12-28-2006, 09:51 AM

thank you so much sobreeze. i know just how you feel. i think i would have been alot better off if she wouldnt have looked at me like "mama whats going on, lets go home and cuddle". i feel so horrible. she trusted me with her life and i took it. i let her down so badly. thats how im feeling right now.

sobreeze · 12-28-2006, 10:07 AM

i feel i have let them down every time i lose one or have to hold them for the vet to put down it makes me feel like i did not do enough for them but then i hope each time things happen i learn how to take care of my other babys better and i have to be here for them and i have a lot of babys you can always remember she loved you very much and she knows what you did was right for her and she is at home on the soft being loved by you no one can ever take what you two had together away hope you get to felling better and do something in your life that will honor her years and her life with you thats why i do take in some rescue animals dogs and rescue farm animals think good thoughts of your friend

she would want you to be happy

yoiesmama · 12-28-2006, 10:16 AM

i know she would want me to be happy. thats all i ever wanted for her. zoe was a rescue. we rescued her from an abusive home. we had her for four years. we do dog rescue in ohio. she was just so precious and so full of life even though she couldnt eat and she couldnt walk well, she still loved life and i feel that i took that from her and i had no right to do that. she trusted me and i killed her. i feel so horrible. i cant get her face out of my mind.

Cassie Nova · 12-28-2006, 11:06 AM

Awww, you didn't kill her. You did what was right. She was in pain...you didn't take her life, you gave her a new one at the Rainbow Bridge.

yoiesmama · 12-28-2006, 11:16 AM

thank you cassie, i just feel so horrible. i miss my baby so much

jessica6383 · 12-28-2006, 11:16 AM

Sweetheart, I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. These are such difficult decisions, and it is obvious that you were trying to protect your baby from pain and suffering. As hard as I try, there is really nothing that I can say to comfort you, this is just the grief that you are going to experience and work through; grief has no rationale, and we notoriously blame ourselves and feel pain for those that we have lost. I imagine you just wish you could see her one last time, give her a hug, and tell her you love her and everything will be alright, don't you? I find that, however real or unreal it is, the only place that I can do this is in my dreams, and I just have to believe that those to whom I am speaking can hear me. When our feelings and our connections are this strong, I can only believe that they must, somehow, pick up on them. There is an entire forum devoted to lost pets, and I hope that you can find some solace there. Otherwise, please feel free to private message me anytime. Again, I'm so sorry, and I send you all of the positive thoughts I can summon.

yoiesmama · 12-28-2006, 11:20 AM

jessica, i really was trying to make things better for her but i feel so terrible about it. she was so happy when i took her to the vet. she kept looking at me like "lets go home now mama". it was horrible

snook · 12-28-2006, 12:42 PM

I'm so sorry but you did what you had to because you love her. Be glad that she isn't hurting any more.

mistyinca · 12-28-2006, 01:54 PM

A true act of love is doing something that is right for someone else no matter how much it hurts yourself. You eased her pain and suffering even though it causes you much pain and suffering. Take comfort in that.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Kcliff01 · 12-29-2006, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yoiesmama

I'm not sure if this is the forum to put this in but i really need to talk to someone now. i put down my 14 year old american eskimo zoe yesterday. she had paralysis in her hind legs for about a year and she was in diapers (her pretty panties)and was still doing well. she began losing weight, she went from 25 pounds 4 years ago to 14.7 yesterday. she had lost 2 1/2 pounds since september. she had a stroke about a year ago and progressively got worse. she got to the point that she couldnt eat right. it took her 10-15 minutes to eat a piece of food at times. this is why she lost weight and why we finally had her put down. my problem is that when i went yesterday to the vet she was so happy. i had to change her pretty panties right before we left and she always gets so happy when she has her panties changed. i cant get it out of my mind. i feel so terrible that i had her put down. she kept looking at me at the vet with those smiling eyes that said "come on mama, lets go home and cuddle on the couch now". i cant stand it. i hate myself for putting her down and i miss her so much. she was my little baby and i love her so much. i dont know if i did the right thing. im really second guessing myself and im really feeling guilty and horrible for not just taking her home. i feel like ive killed my ailing child. im sorry to dump on all of you. i just feel so horrible and i cant stop crying. i miss her so very much. my heart is completely broken.

I can relate. In 1997 I had to put down my Shepard-mix, who was a Pound Baby. She was with me through high school, my first apartment, and my first house. Always my faithful companion. Then she got cancer. I cooked for her, changed her diapers (because she couldn't hold it anymore), held her through seizures, and washed her hind-quarters and bed clothes twice a day. I did it willingly because I loved her more than most people in my life at that time. When she could no longer stand up and had to crawl everywhere, I knew that it was "time." I had a friend come over and we carried her in a sheet (like a sling) to the vet. When we got to the vets, she was more active and alert than she had been in months! I put my arm around her, giving her a hug when the vet injected her. As soon as the needle went in, she turned and looked me right in the eyes, as if to say: "what did you just do?" Then she closed her eyes, peed on herself and went limp in my arms. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's just shy of 10 years later and I still tear-up when I think about it. I felt the same way, like I took her life and had no right to do so. I know in my heart that no animal wants to lay in its own waste. I comfort myself knowing that what I did gave her some dignity. Hang in there. You never forget but you do move on. The strong feelings you have now are a testement to how much you loved your baby.

Booga · 12-29-2006, 01:11 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's the hardest thing ever, deciding when to let them go. I always like to picture pet heaven as a place where they go and all their ailments are gone. Nothing hurts, lots of trees to pee on, birds to chase and all the dog biscuits they can eat.
Just know you gave her the best possible life any dog could have and how happy she was while she was here. She'll always be with you.

sher · 12-30-2006, 09:49 PM

i Know how you feel, I've had to put several of my dogs down when they became unable to eat or drink due to their illnesses. It's always difficult to make this final decision for a pet that is a loved member of your family. I have felt guilty afterwards every time. It makes me feel like I'm playing god, yet I can't bear to see them suffer in so much pain. I always second guess myself, wondering if I did the right thing at the right time, but you know that you did because you love them so much that you would never do the wrong thing for them.
I think that when you are feeling the pain of losing this loved family member, it's natural to blame yourself in some way. You feel awful that you couldn't do anything to extend their life and keep them with you longer, but no matter how long they live, it's never long enough. You can't help missing them awful. It will get better, but you'll never stop missing them. You just have to go on, and try to bring another puppy or dog into your life. There are so many that need someone to love and care for them the way you loved and cared for Zoe.

Buddy · 12-30-2006, 09:58 PM

i fell so bad but u did do the right thing because she would have died painfully if she was like that so all i have to say is if u can buy another dog that kind of remindes u of here and have a pic of her on ur pc and a lot of pics of her n u7r room and also pics of ur new dog maybe that could help hope u stop crying so much

yoiesmama · 12-31-2006, 07:29 AM

thank you all for your hearfelt words. its been 4 days and i still miss her so much i cry constantly.

kcliff - how did you get over seeing her eyes after she looked at you at the vet. i cant get her face out of my mind. i feel so terribly guilty. i feel that ive totally betrayed her and that i should have just taken her straight home and loved on her.

please, if anyone can help me with this i would appreciate it. all i see is her smiling eyes asking me to go home and love on her. please help me

Mollys New Mom · 12-31-2006, 08:41 AM

Maybe her eyes were really saying "thank you". Thank you for giving me all those good years and thank you for letting me go in peace. It's such a difficult thing to do. It will be 2 years January 26 since I put my last baby down. She could no longer make it to her food dish and she had no muscles left in her hind quarters. I talked to the vet and asked if she was in pain and he said they are able to hide it very well from their loved ones. I will never know, but she had almost 17 years with us. I know I did the right thing. You did too. It was time for you to let her go.

Lorina · 12-31-2006, 08:56 AM

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. As a vet tech, I can look at someone else's pet, and know when "it's time." But when my own 18 year old cat Sheba was doing poorly, I kept looking into her eyes and seeing her fighting. To me, she wasn't ready to give up. She had kidney failure and heart failure. I was able to treat her kidney failure fairly well with diet and fluids, but her heart was just worn out. The day before Thanksgiving, I took her with me to work at the vets, and she was doing pretty good, but that night, she crashed. Her meds only helped minimally. I took her to the emergency clinic on Thanksgiving Day, and her chest cavity and lungs were full of fluid. She couldn't breathe, and I knew she wouldn't get better. But still, I looked into her eyes and didn't see a dying cat. I saw my Sheba. Putting her to sleep was the hardest decision I ever made, but I know I did the right thing. She's not suffering. She's at peace.

Two of my coworkers also had to make the same decision with their own pets within a three week span of Sheba passing. Each one of us, with a lot of experience dealing with sick & dying animals, had just as hard of a time letting go. We each felt guilt and remorse and wondered if there was more that could have been done, even though we KNOW we did everything we could.

You gave Zoe a very long and happy life. You loved her like no one else could. Be thankful you were able to keep her happy as long as you could, and know that giving her the gift of peace was the most unselfish thing you could do.

nsorro · 01-25-2007, 08:23 PM

I feel your pain, I just put our baby down last night. She was suffering from lung cancer that was a result of bone cancer. When we had her leg removed last year, we had hoped we were able to avoid the spread of that nasty disease. It got her though. I too am going through the remorse, she was such a good dog and was well loved. So was your Zoe, she sounds well loved. Remember that, it will make you feel better. There are so many animals that are not, that are chained up in yards on short chains and lay under porches to keep from getting wet or shiver in the cold weather because they are not allowed inside.

Zoe was well loved and is running and playing with our Miki in doggy heaven.

mom to lil buddy · 01-25-2007, 09:22 PM

Like someone else said you need to think what else she was telling you when she looked at you. "Thank-you for all the love you have given me, these last years have been so hard for us both." "I was happy because you loved me, but only because I had you." "I love you and don't really want to leave you, but it really is time for me to go."

I had to let my Koko go last fall. She was 15 and lived with diabetes for 5 years. Now when I think back, my recriminations are, "I was so selfish not wanting to let her go, she suffered longer than she needed to."

May you find peace. Virginia