[Love Nugget]

Apologies in advance, this is long, I know, but I could really use some advice or kind words.

Background: I'm eighteen, I live at home with my parents, and likely some time in the next year I will be adopting/purchasing (from a reputable breeder) another dog, as I don't anticipate my BFF Daisy living much longer. Long story short, once my parents decided they would consent to getting a dog again when Daisy passes, my parents have made some peculiar demands regarding the next dog.

For Daisy, they were content to pick a cocker spaniel from a pet store. (Please know that I don't condone their buying from a pet store - I was six.) This time, my mother's demands are still easy to meet but outrageous all the same. Her only concerns are that the dog is "cute" (she can't name any breeds unless they have oodle on the end) and "small enough to fit in a purse" or "hopefully under ten pounds" partly because she wants to carry the dog on planes during family vacations that we never take.

I think this is crazy. It's not healthy to breed dogs that small and for the most part, you'll only find them in a pet store, meaning they came from you-know-where. The only thing that convinced my mother not to buy one from there was calling a store up for a price check and hearing me laugh when I found out how massively overpriced the puppies were. And maybe it's just me, but I'm not into the whole teacup thing. Toy breeds? Fine with me, really! But I don't think it's healthy for dogs (mentally or physically) to be so small that they can be confined to purses at an owner's whim to be toted around and could (theoretically) live in a guinea pig or ferret cage. Even the best breeders could have a genetic snafu but I don't think this should be an intended outcome.

Before listing my dad's demands: somehow, over the last few years his feelings have changed towards dogs to the point where only two dogs do not anger him with their mere existence. Other dogs are either too small, too big, too yappy, too dumb, too smart for their own good, too dirty, ugly, etc. I don't know what incited this change - the only thing I can think of is diabetes, which has affected his personality negatively as a whole. The funny thing is, he adores Daisy and has many fond memories of childhood dogs. My out of the picture sisters also had a miniature poodle growing up that he loved as well.

Anyhow, my dad's demands are basically the opposite of my mother's: it can't be too large or too small, it musn't be yappy, extremely easy to potty train (he failed HARD on this with Daisy... to this day I don't know how she figured it out), it has to have a really long life (no less than thirteen years - as if you can predict it), and it has to be cheap. Probably some other crazy demands as well, but I can't remember them all. OH! It also cannot be a male or he will "have to replace every wall floor and cabinet in the house because it will definitely pee on all of them because male dogs are malicious like that!" I don't know why he thinks this as he's never met a male dog that has marked inside and up until now has had neutral opinions on gender.

Right now he has his heart set on adopting a pit bull from a shelter or rescue. Personally, I love PBs but because of him, I don't think they're right for our family. I feel like he wants one just to look menacing to the neighbors and would encourage any bad behavior that might crop up from a PB with an unknown background (although I am certain he wouldn't do this with a lab, for example, as he'd find no point in making them menacing since they're not seen as a negative breed) and leave us with one more PB that gives the breed a bad rep.

Another issue is procuring a dog. He seems pretty eager to visit shelters with me when the time comes, and in theory this would be a good thing as the whole family should decide together on a dog; although the dog in question would chiefly be mine and I would be paying for it, I am living with my parents and it wouldn't be right to get a dog that didn't get along with them. However, because of his diabetes my dad has become rather mean and belligerent. He never was a nice person but he absolutely cannot hold his tongue now and says very hateful things. For an example, if he saw a chihuahua and it barked at him, I am worried that he might say, "I'd like to punt that yappy SOB." Prior to his diabetes being so severe, he would've just rolled his eyes and kept walking. I am quite certain he would never harm an animal intentionally but lately he has some odd obsession with appearing macho and authoritative. I just know this would reflect horribly on me at a shelter to the point where I am worried that they would deny me an adoption. Same with purchasing from a breeder.

So what are my options regarding this? I am willing to settle for a dog that's not my dream breed because I can love any dog that will love me, so this is not a problem overall. I guess I just had to get that part off my chest. In any case, should I involve my dad in choosing a dog? Should I just not get a dog until I move out? (This will be quite some time for reasons I don't want to extend the post further with.) I know that it might come to that but I don't feel like I could live without a dog. I don't feel like I should have to be alone because my parents are ignorant jerks. I am probably not making any sense with my questions, but I hope you can gather what I'm feeling and offer thoughts on it.

[the mama]

Wow... you've got quite the complicated dilemma!

Well, how long are you planning to live with your parents? Any plans to move out soon? If so, wait until you're on your own, and then get your dream dog.

If not, well, you're under their roof, and it does sound like you're trying to be respectful of their ground-rules.

However, they are making conflicting ground-rules! Your mom and dad are NOT in agreement about size and type of dog, which means one of them is going to be upset with you about whatever size you get.

Plus, your mom wants "cute", but cute is in the eye of the beholder. I have no love for pom's or poodles, yet that seems to be the type she's looking at (add "oodle" to that equation). I LOVE smooth-coat dogs. So, our ideas of cute differ. Also, if it's your dog, why is your mom obsessed with carrying it about in a purse and on planes? Sounds like she needs to get a pup of her own, that suits her needs! That would smooth the path for you....

I'm sorry about your dad. I've seen lots of men become depressed when they have a change in health status. Often, men of his generation will express depression as anger and discontent. If you really don't believe he would be acting out on his anger, then I wouldn't worry.

If it's your dog, it won't be him potty-training it, right? It would be you? Frequently, small dogs can be difficult to potty train. They have teeny, tiny bladders, and all. So, again, your mom's wishes are contradicting your dad's.

Any chance you could get them to sit down and agree on a dog type? Or, what would happen if you just got YOUR dog and let it be? Would they demand that you gt rid of it? Or, make your life miserable?

I just don't have any advice, really, except to insist your parents agree. I'd be pulling my hair out by now, if I were you!!

[MyCharlie]

Yeah, what a mess! I'm so sorry that you're going through this dilemma but it's great that you are at least seeking out advice on how to handle it.

Like you and mama said - your parents are not in agreement so it seems like whatever you get will make one of them unhappy. Sounds like you need to have a family meeting and see what compromises you can all come to.

Since you're not moving out for a while, can it not be *your* dog to train? I know that is difficult since you are all in the household together. I have the same thing going on here - I always have to remind my daughter and hubby what to do and not to do. IOW, are you home often so that you can be in charge of potty training so that you don't have to worry about how your dad will react to a accident?

And I would say no to a pit, unfortunately, because of your dad. There are so many problems with the breed as it is (as far as bad reputation) that it sounds like your dad would probably just make things worse.

Would your mom also be willing to go to the shelter with you and your dad? Sometimes we have an idea in our head of what we want, but then when we meet a dog and see how it "clicks" with us, that all changes. Maybe you can find a medium sized dog at the shelter that will suit them both (and is already house broken LOL).

Otherwise, as much as it hurts, you may have to wait until you move out.

Good luck, please keep us updated!

[petsgalore]

What you need to do is go to the shelters as a family and only get a dog that you all agree upon if you plan on staying at home with your parents.If you do plan on leaving soon-don't get a pup until you are out on your own.

[Love Nugget]

Thank you for the advice, everyone. I will definitely keep you posted and here are some answers to your questions.

I am home basically 24/7. There are two reasons I'm still living with my parents. The minor one is that I'm disabled to the point that while I currently do not use a wheelchair daily, I would have to use one to work and am having trouble coming up with an appropriate local job. I do have income but being an internet entrepreneur isn't enough to pay rent consistently. The second is that I dropped out of school so I could live in Mexico and Egypt and also due to social anxiety; I am currently working on my GED and then hope to start college. My opportunities to live in these countries came about because of my dad's job, so I should mention that he is frequently gone for months at a time and can often seem like no more than a house guest who has overstayed his welcome.

I agree that this dog would be chiefly mine and that I would be potty training it if the need arises. My parents don't seem to think I can care for a dog even though I groom Daisy (hair cuts, nails, baths, brushing), have a decent share in potty duty and preparation of her food, and give her medication on a schedule. I currently clean up most of Daisy's accidents so I have no problem with this. My parents still seem stuck in the past when I was young and they were her caretakers, even though I have tried to show them during the past few years that I am mature enough to take care of a dog in a way that a six year old is not.

I'm not sure why my mom (who would definitely go to a shelter with me, and whom I have no problem with taking) is obsessed with purse sized dogs. I could understand wanting a smaller dog under thirty pounds, as lately we've been carrying Daisy up and down steps to go potty, and it would be back breaking to do that with a heavier dog. Although they haven't taken into account that as long as we don't adopt a currently senior dog it would be unlikely that this would happen when I was living with them...

However, we have a large enough yard that it could probably support two or three large dogs, so I feel like one shouldn't automatically be out of the question. So many people want cute toy dogs and it seems like the larger ones get left in the shelter longer around here; we have a shelter's dream yard and live near a nice public park too, so why not consider a larger breed if the dog seems to be a perfect fit in personality?

I think if it came down to it, my dad would just give up his obsession with a dog's physical traits if my mom and I liked a specific dog enough, but I am really worried about the rude comments he might make at a shelter. My mom would probably drop her obsession with a toy dog once she realized it's impossible to find anything under about twenty five pounds in a local shelter and that I refuse to buy from a pet store or to try convincing a breeder that I just love such-and-such toy breed when I am really more on the indifferent side.

Ideally, I would love to have a dog from the bulldog family (especially a French Bulldog *cough*), but some of those breeds can be pricey and my parents will heckle me about dropping $1,000 or more (of my own money!) on a dog. They don't seem to completely understand that I find that a fairly reasonable price to pay for a companion that at the barest of minimums I would be able to love for a decade. I would rather have a good best friend than some pimped out car, the newest iPod, or go on spring break in Miami unlike some kids my age.

[InverseLogic]

Your parents sound pretty hard headed, a lot like mine when it comes to dogs.

There is really nothing we can do for you on the internet, of course, but I suggest that you keep pestering them. That's about the only thing that works if they choose to be hard headed and not understanding of you.

I had to badger my dad daily until he let me get a dog, and I won't even get started on on the hoops I had to jump through to allow him to let me get a second dog.

Saying things like "Well, I'm paying for it COMPLETELY, and training it professionally" wouldn't even work with him.
His excuse was basically "I hate dogs", and he NEVER once gave me a reason other than that.

Having your own income will help out a ton, though. Saying things like when you move out, you're taking your dogs with you also helps.

Are your parents against getting two dogs? Maybe a breed your dad likes, and a breed your mom likes? It's a lot of work on your part, since I'm assuming they won't take the proper course to train them and care for them like you would, but at least you have your dogs, right?

I've come to realize that, as long as you're living with your parents, it's their house, and it's their rules. Once in a while they'll let you get away with things, but when it comes to dogs or other pets, parents can be much harder to deal with unless they have the same ideals as you.

[Erick Aguilar]

Hm... well, i know how you feel, for i am just one year older than you, and know the frustrations that come in these cases.

It seems (at least from my point of view) that your mother has the T.V. Celebrity syndrome, and your Dad is back to the ''i want a dog like this, this, and that already, no assembly requiered'' idea.

Other factor is that possibly Daisy is your first dog?
If so this means that your family need to read alot of information concerning dogs.

I'm bringing a Siberian Husky dog home, and i knew my mother (She who must be obeyed) wouldn't agree if i just came up to her and told her, so packed with a month full of Husky information i had the courage to talk to her, and guess what, she agreed with only TWO conditions, to clean the backyard every day it began to smell bad, and to take out BOTH dogs at once (i also have a Drever)

Then again our family is a ''dog family'' kind.

IMO you NEED to gather up information about some 10 candidates you are interested in, and talk to BOTH your parents at the same time, and see which breed is attractive on both sides of the family.

I would recommend a Labrador though!

[blackrose]

Have you told your parents what breed you are interested in (the French Bulldog) and given them your reasons for wanting to spend "that kind of money" on a dog? You might be able to appeal to both of their better nature...."It is a small (ish) dog, mom, so you can take it places with you easily, even on planes..." "Hey dad, I know it isn't a Pittie, but it is a tough and tumble bulldog..."

Coming from a teenager who lives at home with her dog-tolorating dad and dog hair-OMG mom, have your parents meet the potential dog. How I ended up with Chloe (after my dad telling me NO NO NO numbers of times) was saying, "Will you just meet her?" After that, it was all smooth sailing (kind of).

[MuttHunter]

It sounds like you are in a heck of a jam! I have a few questions.

Have your parents ever discussed their dog requirements with you at the same time? It sounds like any dog considered acceptable to one parent would be veteod by the other. Just the requirement that it be not too small, or too big(dad) yet be under 10 lbs and fit in a purse (mom), seems like an insoluble dilemma. It seems like you feel your dad might be slightly less inflexible than your mom, but maybe they should talk to each other a bit? Depending on just how irrational they are maybe this is a really stupid idea and would make things worse--you would know better than anyone else

Are you sure you want to get a dog right now? Ordinarily since you have some limited mobility, and maybe are still coping with some social anxiety, I would think you are in exactly the situation where a dog would be a great stress-reliever. Given your dad's weird attitude, though, I wonder if you might not be better off waiting until you had a little more financial independence, even if you are still staying with your folks. Possibly any dog would trigger some kind of hostile reaction on the part of your dad?

If you decide that you don't think you ought to wait, here is what I suggest. First, if possible, adopt young adult dog from a good rescue, and not a shelter. By good rescue I mean one that prioritizes placing dogs with good homes rather than just placing dogs, yet is flexible enough to maybe overlook some of your dad's awkward personality quirks, if they feel you show enough understanding of the situation.

This will require a lot of internet research for available dogs and rescue organizations and maybe joining some rescue/breed meetup forums(the same people sometimes run both), and a lot of communication but it is possible. I have several strikes against me as an adopter (rent and don't own, slightly allergic, no experience with my fave breed, which is considered a little 'difficult') but I have the local breed rescue's director half on my side already, just because I was very up front about my possible negatives and asked a lot of questions which satisfied her that I might not be an ignorant doofus getting in over my head.

If you are adopting a dog from a dog foster, rather than a big shelter, perhaps your dad is less likely get distracted by a bunch of other dogs that are not what you want (like a pit, for instance) and disregard your wishes. Avoiding having him offend or alarm the fosterer might be a problem since they can generally veto the adoption if your family makes them uneasy.

Anyway, a really thorough rescue may be able to hook you up with a dog whose temperament is more likely to melt your mom's heart through cuteness yet is less likely to remind your dad of a football that needs to be kicked (already housebroken, not too barky, not too demanding of his attention at the wrong times, this is partly why I think a young pup might be a problem for you).

I suggest you also initiate a 'pupaganda' campaign aimed at your Mom. Show her cutesy wutesy pictures and videos of small-medium sized dogs (French Bulldogs or alternatives you find acceptable) to get her over her obsession with super tiny ones. Also, maybe she doesnt know it is possible to take dogs larger than 10 lbs as a carry on for an airline flight on your imaginary family vacations:

Originally Posted by usair

US Airways accepts hard-sided carriers up to 17 inches long x 16 inches wide x 8 inches tall and soft-sided carriers up to 17 inches long X 16 inches wide X 10 inches tall. On US Airways Express flights, pet carriers must not be more than 15 inches long x 17 inches wide x 8 inches tall on CRJ aircraft, more than 16 inches long x 17 inches wide x 8 inches tall on DH3 aircraft or more than 15 inches long x 14 inches wide x 8 inches tall on BH1 aircraft.

Every airline has different requirements, but this seems fairly typical.

I don't know if any of this is unworkable in your case, or if you have already thought of it all these ideas, but these are the things that I might consider in your situation. Good luck!

[the mama]

there are a TON of toy breeds in rescue that are not $1000... have your mom go on Petfinder.com and see what she'd like to get for herself.

For you, there are also french bulldogs in rescue!

Not knowing what your disabilities are, is there any chance you are eligible for an assistance dog?? They are often smallish dogs... and dwould be perfect in terms of training.

Just some thoughts... but, really, go to Petfinder.com. You'll be amazed at the incredible mutts and purebreds that are looking for homes.

[Lorina]

What The Mama said about rescue dogs.

I couldn't find a Pekingese in a shelter around here (ironically, one showed up at the shelter a half mile from my house a month after I adopted Beavis), but there's loads of breed (and sometimes size) specific rescues. Beavis was only 2 years old, and already altered, up to date on vaccinations, microchipped, housetrained, etc.

You may have to travel a bit to visit the dog and/or finalize the adoption, there should be plenty of options open in the southern PA (and surrounding states) area.

[Love Nugget]

Inverse Logic: Thankfully my parents don't hate dogs, they're just being insanely picky for reasons I can't particularly fathom. I have no problem with two dogs but I think my parents would sooner come to a compromise than "suffer" with two. This might be something I could use to my advantage.

Erick Aguilar: TV Celebrity Syndrome sounds about right to describe my mother! Daisy is my first dog, but not theirs. They both had at least two or three growing up, and my dad had one as an adult while raising my much older sisters. Generally raising a dog shouldn't be an issue, but you're right that it would probably be a good idea to discuss breeds further.

blackrose: I have mentioned to my parents that I am interested in French Bulldogs, and I think my mother doesn't find them completely off putting, if not as "traditionally" cute as she'd like. I showed my dad a couple pictures to broach the subject and he thought they were ugly, but I saw some wheels turning. My mother suggested that I just pick a dog and show my dad, and I'm kind of hoping that would work.

MuttHunter: When I originally brought up the subject, they were both in the room. They both seemed to completely ignore what the other was saying. (That's pretty much how they operate in general.) Anyhow, you are absolutely correct, Daisy is a great stress relief for me. She keeps me company every day and adds variety to my life when I sometimes am not able to go out and do all of the things I want to do. I like your idea of a pupaganda, too! I actually saw your post a few hours ago and mentioned to her that some airlines go by carrier dimensions and not weight, and she was very surprised!

the mama: I have been watching French Bulldog rescues for Frenchies in my area (and also some other shelters that have some great dogs from other breeds too). There's one right now that I'm keeping my fingers crossed for, but it's kind of awkward to look at other dogs when Daisy is still alive, like I'm cheating on her or something. I have no idea if I'm eligible for an assistance dog, but I honestly wouldn't feel right accepting one. I don't even like using handicapped parking passes. I avoid my wheelchair as much as possible, even if it means I have to take pain medication and crawl the next day.

Lorina: Beavis is such a cutie! There are a lot of options around me, it's true. I live in a fairly good area. I'm within decent driving distance of much of MD, VA, WV, lots of PA, and perhaps a bit of NJ/DE if it came to that. I've definitely been canvasing the internet for shelters!

[agility collie mom]

Brushing, bathing, cutting nails, ......can you come live with me? lol No seriously why not an assistance dog. There is an organization in Harrisburg wwwKeystoneHumaneService.org/ssd. You would be more independent with an assistance dog and still have the loving companionship you desire. Plus if you will be going away to college you would be able to take your dog with you if it is an assistance dog. Think of all the positive sides. Your dog could help you walk on the days that are not so good for you and you wouldn't be so sore the following day. (All with less medication and without the wheelchair.) Please do not rule this out as an option before you research it. I wish you all the best.

[wvasko]

Nugget
I'm older than your parents, I'm a tad disturbed about the "ignorant jerks" statement. That being said, I don't know your parents, they may be "ignorant jerks" The fact that those feelings run rampant in your post tells me that you should definitely not get a dog until you move out. It sounds to me like it could be a lot of bickering/arguing etc and what should be a fairy tale with a new pup/dog could end up a scary tale. My Opinion Only.

[mcknkc]

When I agreed to let my son adopt another dog my only requirements were that he/she be a rescue dog, a bit smaller than my rottie/lab, Emma, and that the new pup was to be his responsibility - he's 19 and handicapped (he had a stroke and cannot use his right arm at all). He was absolutely insistant upon getting a boxer, bulldog or something similar. I think he would have gotten a pit mix except they are not allowed in the city we live in.

Finally one day I said "let's go to the shelter and see what's available". Interestingly, even though he wanted a larger, somewhat bullyish looking dog, he picked out a sheperd/basset mix, Bella, who is the cutest thing you've ever seen. Trust me, there is nothing "bullyish" about her. Right now she is approximately 22 pounds and just a joy to be around - not at all what he originally wanted. Mind you, we didn't pick out a new dog the first or second time we went and we went to at least 3 dog adoptions around the city. Nothing just seemed to "fit" until we found Bella.

When I found Emma I wasn't really "looking" for a dog but I swear she stood up in the pen and we looked at each other and that was it...same thing with Travis and Bella. In fact, he asked me if I just KNEW when I saw Emma. The answer was..yes. I knew if I didn't argue with him about what he could/couldn't have the right dog would come along and we would both be in love - and that is exactly what happened.

My point is that if you go to a shelter with your mom all of her notions about a small, purse size dog may go flying out the window. Contact a few rescue sites and see when/where they will be having adoptions. You will both know when you meet the right match. I also believe that Dad will also agree once he sees that you and mom have taking such a liking to the new addition, especially if you can possibly get him involved in training, special needs training would be even better.

[skelaki]

If I was you I'd wait until I had my own place to get another dog. Meantime you could volunteer at your local shelter or possibly even find a breeder to work for as kennel help. You might also ask your mom and dad to fill out a few breed selection quizzes (You fill them out also) especially the one at k9 Country that bases it's selections on more than a person's wish list. Of course those selectors are far from fool proof but if your parents see the same breed/s appearing on different lists, it might get them thinking in new directions.

[Cobalt]

We actually rescued a maltese before they became popular. She was only 4 lbs at the end but weighed an average of 7 or 8 during her life. She was a great dog but totally different than our new dogs. She never played with toys, maybe other maltese do but she was very timid. She didn't like other dogs which can be true of small dogs. If a larger dog goes after them once, they can be afraid from then on. I guess I can't blame them!

The problems with a tiny dog:
Need to watch with people and kids walking around them
Need to be careful of large birds of prey, owls, hawks
Need to groom every 2-3 months which gets $.
Lilly fell in a rut in our yard and had to have back surgery. It was a tiny rut.
Overbred, often in puppy mills

A bichon might be a much better idea. They are a bit bigger but don't shed.

We flew once with Lilly and it was not fun. She had to stay in the carrier and was so unhappy and nervous. Not worth it. Doggy day care is a much better option!

Your bulldog doesn't need to be groomed, that's a big savings over time.

At least they didn't say no shedding. I am the mom with the daughters who wanted not too large, non shedding, non wirey hair, only female etc.

Good luck!